The guys who, in the ‘90s,
Made the singing Big Mouth Bass
Will be long renowned by history
For redefining “urban class.”
Alas, they could have changed music
Had they thought ahead so far
As to make an instrument
They called the “bass guitar.”
Tag Archives: Music
Wind Chimes
Sometime in the distant past
Somebody’s wife I suppose
Decided to hang a bunch of pipes
So whenever the wind blows
It makes the sound of a little kid
Assaulting a glockenspiel
And she sold these things for thirty bucks
And I don’t know how I feel…*
*That’s a lie. I love them. They are wonderful.
Pyramids: Primeval Percussion Palaces
Before the phrase “More Cowbell”
Took the world by storm
Egyptians had a fever
And only could stay warm
By making a great replica
Of the instrument they’d dangle;
And they shouted in Egyptian
“I need some more triangle!”
Filed under Poems
If You Don’t Remember “Hang Up The Phone, I Need To Yahoo Search Something,” You’re Too Young To Get This Poem
One low buzz, eleven beep-boop
Ba-ba-ba beeps
Then six seconds of static
That gives you the creeps,
Then the death metal chorus
Played on a child’s toy
And the internet is yours to use.
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Filed under Poems
E I E Ya Know?
Why are classic songs just like,
“Songs just like,
“Songs just like?”
Why are classic songs just like
Repetitive and s**t?
Filed under Poems
When You At Least Remember the Important Part of the Limerick
There once was bobabezine
That slodda dee focus or line?
And burger da beep
Chodda wodda ga meep?
Soda wamegla SWEET CAROLINE!
Filed under Poems
Was It A Typo Though?
Turns out makin’ music doesn’t mean makin’ money.
That was no news to me, but was news to my honey.
When a man gets poor it’ll do something funny
To almost all the female ears!
When the cashflow slows in the time that you date ‘er
Like the tempo that jazz plays in the elevator
Then don’t be surprised, and do anticipate ‘er
Not boppin’ you for quite a few years!
Yeah, I do remember the times in the twenties
When a man could bop all night long,
But come year ’30 we ain’t playin’ too dirty
And a depression is comin’ on strong!
I’m no type of teacher, but you oughta be knowin’
Where this job playin’ jazzes is probably goin’…
Come late at night you’ll be the only one blowin’.
Sorry bro, but them is the fac’s.
Better practice your ‘prov and practice your scales, especially for playin’ the blues…
Between big simple cash and a big cymbal crash you know what a woman will choose…
The little metals guys who hold your keys in place will be the only thing that she screws…
That’s life when she’s withholding the sax!
Filed under Poems
Boy Bands
If you play songs
In a rock and roll band
That includes no member
With a mammary gland,
Everyone has Y chromosomes
And speaks in few words
Then you might be a band
But you’re sure not The Birds…
Filed under Poems
Morbid Subtext in Children’s Music
All is well while you’re singing
Until your realize
Mary will eventually have a big sheep
Unless one of them dies…
And yet we have been singing this
Since time itself was made.
Do the Mary’s keep swapping
Or was a sweater made?
Filed under Poems
My 100% True Treatise On My American Patriotism
I was born in Colorado,
Learned my talkin’ in Kentucky,
Grew up in Northwest Washington
Which, although American, is Canucky.
Now a man who makes a living
Rhyming mediocre comedy
I lie in bed listening to the sounds
Of patriotic hymns from Ireland.
My heart’s in Limerick,
My mind’s in Dublin,
My eyes see Antrims and see Galways!
I am in a kilt
(Yes, I know that’s Scotland)
And I’ll praise green, white, and orange for always!
Then the youtube algorithm
Plays me “God Defend New Zealand”
And the Maori spirit rips the kilt away
And I walk with hobbits in the free land!
Misty mountains, patriotic,
Connect two hemispheres within me…
That’s until I hear the opening chords
Of the Russian anthem start to win me.
Now Haggis, Borscht, Poutine, and Kiwis
Are all chicken-fried in my spirit
And I only wish that the Star-Spangled Banner
Were a song that made me want to hear it.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 