No matter how you dress it up
I don’t like peeing in a cup.
I find it reprehensible
That they won’t say how full is “full.”
And so I leave the W.C
With three quarters of a cup of pee.
And now, have mercy lord above!
Where’s he going with that glove?
Tag Archives: Poetry
Taking Comfort Where You Can
On a day like today
You’re looking for a sign
That despite the past disasters
Everything will be fine.
Well as I sat, considering
My poem for today
I saw a candy cane, uneaten.
That makes me think I’ll be okay.
Filed under Poems
Let’s Talk About Mastication
It’s time to talk about
The pleasures of the flesh,
And our senses, touch and taste,
Can again be young and fresh.
I speak about excitement.
I speak of stimulation.
I speak about, of course,
The joy of mastication:
To place a bit of vibrancy
Inside one’s hungry maw
And caress it with the vigor
Of a gyrating human jaw.
I salivate for thinking
Of this thrice-daily delight,
For I masticate at morning
As well as noon and night.
And if I feel the hunger
Of my eternal human needs
I may masticate between meals
By enjoying my nuts and seeds.
And when I feel so lonely
And companionship I want
I go to town and masticate
At my choice of restaraunt.
Such exploits I do recommend,
For they are part of the human condition.
For those who are offended,
Go find mastication’s definition.
Filed under Poems
Zeus
Thunder in my stomach
And fire in my eyes;
When Zeus sayeth “bite me”
Obedience is not wise.
Filed under Poems
Craigslist Roommate
It’s cool you cut your own hair,
That you’re into taxidermy,
But maybe do those both outside…
Could you do that for me?
And I know you love your tuba.
It is an amazing instrument,
But playing it at 3:00 AM
Makes me want to raise your rent.
I don’t mind extended family.
In fact, it’s great you are so close,
But eloping with your cousin
In my basement’s kinda gross.
I know I said no pets allowed,
And to that I will hold true,
But unless you leave my presence
I will sic the dogs on you.
What Would You Have Done?
My cat ate my fish,
Then my dog ate my cat,
Then my puma ate my dog
So I bought a pet gnat.
Fandoms
Frodo was a wizard
In a blue police box.
He keeps watch over Gotham
And wears “Game of Thrones” socks.
His nemesis was Gary Oak.
He aimed to misbehave.
If you understand this poem
Give a fellow fan a wave.
Apathy and all that
It’s a long weekend:
Yee hah and woo hoo!
You didn’t want a long poem,
Did you?
The Werewife
‘Twas a full moon
And the night-things were howling.
I was iff on my own
‘Cause my girlfriend was scowling.
She’s usually laid back,
Accepting, and kind
But once every month
She goes out if her mind.
She nags and she whimpers.
She speaks only commands.
Her heart freezes over
And she speaks with her hands.
I’ve put the time on my calendar;
I am no fool.
When the werewife awakens
It’s time to leave and play pool.
Filed under Poems
