Just don’t watch your children
When you take them to the zoo.
If it worked for Harambe
It’ll probably work for you.
Tag Archives: Postaday
21-Year-Old American Boy
I wish I had a plasma gun
Attached to the front of my car
‘Cause everyone would say “he’s here”
Whenever I drive to the bar.
Filed under Poems
My Two Cents
If a homeless person
Asks you for some cash
And you give them some pennies
You are literally human trash.
To give someone a penny
When they’re sleeping outside on the ground
Is to say “You’re still broke, but at least
“I don’t have to carry this f*%^ing penny around.”
Filed under Poems
As For Me… I Was A Goldfish
Benny was a hamster,
An upper-middle class rat.
He lived seven years
In a house with a cat.
He suffered anxiety
Throughout his meager years.
Then he was eaten and came back
As a worker at Sears.
This tale is bland
At face-value only.
It’s a tale of courage
Despite being lonely.
I urge you, have compassion
For all that you meet
For in a previous life
They may have been meat.
Filed under Poems
Why I Love Baseball
“Batter Up!” The umpire yelled,
And then he screamed in fright
As the crowd smeared uncooked pancakes on themselves
And ran off into the night.
Filed under Poems
I Hope The Punchline Won’t Drive You Away
Whenever I’m awake at night
Not able to go to sleep
I’ll sneak outside so quietly
Without making a peep
And head off to the landfill
Where old car parts fill a ditch
And I snuggle up with a Michelin,
Bridgestone, or BFGoodrich.
You may just think I’m sleezy,
Like my brain somehow misfired,
But it’s the only way I know
To get really good and tired.
Filed under Poems
Jesus Christ, Millennial
I want a pet Tyranosaurus
And a 10,000 square-foot house.
I want a 90-inch computer
And a solid platinum mouse.
I want the watch that Elvis wore
And a phone that does my dishes
But I can only walk on water
And play with loaves and fishes.
Filed under Poems
The Rich Man Thinketh
I’ve developed a nasty growth,
A blighting blob of bloat
Called a sense of self-importance.
I have a strong desire to gloat.
Considering my presence
On this great orb on which we float
I realize how unhealthy this is,
Yet I’ll still buy that fur coat.
Filed under Poems
Forrest Gump 2: Lost In New York
Life is like a box of chocolates:
It costs money and makes you fat.
Most people enjoy it as it kills them slowly.
Yeah, life’s a lot like that.
But it doesn’t have to be:
We can smile and and act as equals
Starting with something on which we all agree,
Specifically that most movies don’t need sequels.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 