I vacationed on an island
Full of lovely mango trees
Where canoeing villagers
Sang upon the seas.
They sang the songs of heroes
And the mango ballad too
They told me that the mangoes
Made a person strong and true.
But those island villagers
Knew not of what they sang.
Mango’s the masculine of “manga”
And the Spanish word for “mang.”
Perchance thee may have noticed
By coincidence or choice
That those who penned auld english
May have just had a lispy voice,
For whosoever speaketh
In a way that soundeth so-eth
Makes any present participle
With the “th” phoneme groweth.
Perhaps that just be-eth my inkling,
Yet verily ringeth of truth.
I’ve spake my bit, and leaveth now
With a flutter and forsooth.
Filed under Poems
When they invented the ice cream bar
They missed an opportunity
To add an element of class
To the nightlife community,
For think about a bar you know:
Alcohol’s all she wrote.
Why not mix your drinks up
With a regular beer float?
And who wouldn’t enjoy
Three dozen flavors on tap?
The very thought of an ice cream bar
Just makes me want to clap!
And if your drinking because of pain
Something sweet can end the sobbin’.
Thanks for listening, venture capital guy,
But what’s a Baskin Robbin?
Filed under Poems
I was once in love,
A simple kind of joy
That occurred exclusively
Between a girl and boy.
Then another woman
Caught my vagrant eye,
And a triangle evolved
From what once was you and I.
But you had strayed as well,
And our love became a square.
I knew this would be easier
If we would clear the air.
As it so happened I fell in love
With only my original,
While you loved all three other corners
Although it was conditional,
And our other pair both fell in love
With us and with each other,
And I find we all are desired
By none other than my mother.
And thus my air-clearing venture
Cleared things up a lot
For it revealed our love pretzel,
Alexander’s loving knot.
Filed under Poems
I’ve finished the sweeping,
The mopping, the shining,
For those who arrive
For our casual dining.
I’ve whipped up the chicken,
The fruits and the veggies,
Prepared to serve unto
The clientele of “Big Reggie’s.”
I’ve washed all the napkins,
Plates, forks, and knives
For those who, by eating,
Will lengthen their lives.
I’ve waited all day
Since the first whiff of dawn,
Yet no one will eat
At the box on my lawn.
Filed under Poems
The exodus begins
When the conversation slows.
The first woman says “excuse me,
But I must powder my nose.”
The second woman joins her,
And the rest set in pursuit,
Ensuring the washroom diaspora
Never will be rendered moot.
Meanwhile, the men keep eating
But they cannot help but smile,
For through their lull in conversation
They’ve earned silence for a while.
They ogle other women
And they think about their cars
And how women would be better
If they also came from Mars.
And once the ladies finish
Their powdering and gossip
They go back to the table
Where they face a brand-new toss up:
They can keep on talking
Or be silent like the men.
Thus the guys pretend to listen
‘Til conversation slows again.
Filed under Poems
Just who do you think you are
Shooting by in your crimson car,
The roof and the windows open wide
With the summer air amidst your ride?
I see you have some leather seats,
Push button start and whitewall meats,
While I’m beside you, feeling smug
Going 45 in my Volkswagen Bug.
Filed under Poems
When you see a chinchilla
You might think it’s a rat.
If you see a flying squirrel at night
It looks just like a bat.
You see someone laughing,
But from afar it looks like grieving.
It looks like I’ve been stalking you?
Looks are not always deceiving.
Filed under Poems
I just wanted to buy a mattress
And maybe a duvet,
Just make a couple purchases
And then be on my way.
Alas, my shopping journey
Couldn’t just go right.
Instead I had to witness
A brutal pillow fight.
It started with some shuffling
And a bit of pillow fluffing,
But then the pillowcases came off
As they tried to show their stuffing.
Finally the fight was done,
Feathers spilt and shedding.
Next time I’ll be prepared
When I try to buy some bedding.
Filed under Poems
Just because you can
Doesn’t mean you should.
Sometimes a bit of faking it
Will lead to something good.
Take football for instance,
Fourth down and five to go.
Sure, you can punt the ball,
But it makes a lousy show.
Likewise, if with your partner
You’re perfectly free to
Wear those dirty sweatpants, but
Why not show the very best you?
So run the ball and dress the part,
And let the record show
That it’s the corners of your mouth
That show far you can go.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 