I always wonder about the scientist
Who named the sperm whale.
I imagine he was drunk
And probably male
And thought making you say “sperm”
Was a hoot and a gas
And he probably idolized the guy
Who named donkeys “ass”.
Tag Archives: Postaday
But… The Metaphors?
“This movie is great, I promise”.
Those were the words I said.
Then I remembered that one scene
Where they shot the dude in the head
And the bit with the serial killer
And the… actually, never mind.
Maybe next time we’ll watch a movie
That you happen to find.
Filed under Poems
I Miss The Good Old Days… 2015
There once was a man from Ohio
Who didn’t put pronouns in his bio.
He works hard and makes money
And he married his honey
And why can’t this be status quo?
Filed under Poems
Right?
I have a secret mission
That I need to undertake
But leaving online evidence
Is surely a mistake…
If only there were a button
That I could press to hide
My browser history… also
The hate I feel inside.
Oh wait? What is this button
With a sneaky little spy?
An incognito window?
Why, that’s just the thing that I
Did need for just this purpose!
I’m glad Google has my back.
Now pet me commence searching
For things they’d never, ever track…
Filed under Poems
Alohahaha
If I take off my Hawaiian shirt
You may think I intend to flirt
But when the Hawaiian pants come off…
Hey, wait a sec! Did you just scoff?
Filed under Poems
Oh Wait… That’s Youtube
Instead of another reality show
Where half-naked people live in the wood
A show where people make huge pillow forts
Would do us a whole lot of good.
Filed under Poems
I’d Get Arrested In Europe For Writing This…
There once was an American leader
Whose mind was starting to peter.
He said “Easter’s the day
“Where we normalize gay”
And some people still think this ain’t theater.
Filed under Poems
Life Hacks
If at first you don’t succeed
Just open Word and type in “Nead”.
Autocorrect will fix everything.
You’re welcome y’all. Yours truly, King
Filed under Poems
Nine Out Of Ten Dentists Agree This Love Will Never Work
Oh my lady, with a swirl
Of red and white you rock my world.
You touch my mouth and cause a sheen
Of pearly white. You make me clean.
Alas, our love is not to be
For you are you and I am me:
You are toothpaste, clean and clear
And I am just this orange juice here.
Filed under Poems
Yay Vegas?
Tomorrow I’ll wake up at five in the morning
And sit in a cramped airplane seat
To fly to a place where sinning is rampant
And I’ll probably melt in the heat.
I’m very excited and honored and blessed
And I don’t want to sound like a jerk
But I feel I’ve been lied to when somebody said
“It’s great when you travel for work.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 