I’m starting out the new year
By achieving my daily goals
Like writing my daily poetry
And avoiding benzimidazoles.
And yes, my new goals do include
Some oddly specific stuff
But that’s the sacrifice we make
Because rhyming is tough.
Tag Archives: Random
I May Not Have Money, But I Have A Weird Imagination
I wish I had a yttrium-plated snow globe.
A yttrium-plated globe would make me smile
Because I’d have something no billionaire has
At least for a brief and satisfying while.
Filed under Poems
What Do You Mean This Is Ridiculous? Have You Tried It?
If you’re ever feeling lonely
Go to the store and buy a melon
Then drive to your local prison
And give your purchase to a felon.
Criminals love melons…
Seedy fruit for seedy guys.
Also, you’re no longer lonely
And, perhaps, you may be wise.
Filed under Poems
Side Effects Include Non-Sequiturs And Academic Integrity
The trees are all decked
With ornaments grand,
The stockings are stuffed
And the peaches are canned,
The sweatshirts are laundered
And the clouds are thundering
And the ointment is working
In case you were wondering.
Filed under Poems
Fable Of A Missing Cat
Kitty in the city
Went a wandering. Owner’s pondering
Where there cat be at
And will it be back? Night is black
And the feline made a beeline
Not thinking of the sinking
Feeling and sorrowful reeling
That has his human worried and fumin’.
For one whole day it stayed away
And then at twilight thought “Well alright
“I’ll return, for my human doth yearn
“For me to pee
“In his home. I shan’t roam.”
And thus the the cat said that was that.
Yet now he purrs as the wanderlust stirs…
Filed under Poems
My Foreign Policy Platform
I think instead of buying tanks
We should hire children
To run around with pool noodles
And speak in Italian to people
Who are unhappy
Because America deserves happiness
And we have to spend $33 trillion on something.
Filed under Poems
But They’re So Big!
I think if we sold ostrich eggs
Instead of chicken eggs, we’d find
That what I think’s a good idea
Is not what anyone else had in mind.
Filed under Poems
The Benefits Of Not Being Tan
In a world without coyotes
And a scarcity of ginger ale
I’d take comfort in the notion
That my legs would still be pale.
Filed under Poems
Moral Ambiguity In The Marvel Culinary Universe
Honorable dessert, cake of courage,
Your frosting is noble, your filling is strong.
Honorable dessert, please answer me this:
Is wanting to eat you so wrong?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 