And the Lord said unto Abraham
“You shall not eat unclean animals.
“Also, guess what I decided to name pig meat?”
Tag Archives: Silly
Please See The Manager Between 12:01-12:07 AM on Tuesdays And Fridays In March And Bring A Notarized Letter Of Intent To End Your Subscription To Mordorian Dominion
The necromancer, Sauron,
Was pondering his life:
No pesky job to go to,
No annoying, naggy wife.
He wished to live forever
So he made a magic ring
That would make him both immortal
And in charge of everything.
Deep in the fine print
Of this magical ring contract
Made the only way to break the ring
A particular lava contact,
And yet a little hobbit
Bypassed this security.
If only Sauron had the foresight
To beg advice from me
For I know an alternative
That might just have saved him:
In order to destroy the One Ring
You must cancel membership for the gym.
Filed under Poems
The Best Part Of Waking Up
Pooping is great!
Pooping is fun!
Just sit on the toulet
And ploop! You’re all done!
Or if you are male
And/or have a phone
Pooping can give you
An hour alone!
Filed under Poems
The Beginning Of A Grand Adventure
Somewhere far beyond these walls
Walking amidst the eldritch halls
Are dwarves and elves and even men
Saying, “Damn GPS screwed up again.”
Filed under Poems
There’s A Colonel Of Truth Here…
In the civil war, a soldier fled
Across the Kentucky border,
Seeking to preserve his life
By disobeying his orders.
But when he crossed he found himself
On more unfriendly soil.
The deserter was taken hostage
And executed with boiling oil.
I don’t blame you if this story
Might make you quake or sicken,
But its moral is important:
How Kentucky fried the chicken.
Filed under Poems
Introducing Your 2028 President Elect
I do not know the muffin man.
I really don’t know nothing, man.
All I know is muffin man
Repeats things, so I’m told.
I’ll tell you of the muffin man
Since you’re no fan of muffin man.
You’ll hear repeats by muffin man
‘Cause the teleprompter’s old.
Filed under Poems
When You Say “Jesus, Take The Wheel”, Consider The Consequences
So I invented a nifty new thing
That’s a circular mobility aid.
I call it a “wheel”, and if we’re for real
It’s the best thing anyone’s ever made.
As I was showing it off today
This dude with a halo came by
And just picked it up, put his blood in a cup,
And vamoosed. Now I’m stuck asking why.
Filed under Poems
Making The Most Of Modern Trends
Meet a girl who buys you chocolate,
Gets you flowers, buys dessert.
Just be aware that girls like that
May have once been your friend, Bert.
Filed under Poems
Inflation?
When a man loves a woman
It is undeniable that
He’ll either be rejected
Or get married and get fat.
When a woman loves a man
She will inevitably feel
As if she’s also gotten fat
(Or is it that dress? What an ordeal!)
I’m not aware of patterns
In the non-binarily inclined
But if they also get fatter
They do not seem to mind.
So, while Ozempic is an option
If weight loss is your course,
I might also reccomend
The non-prescription choice: Divorce.
Filed under Poems
Dinner Plans
The lazy rain will not commit
To ruining our mood,
But teases we who might decide
To go outside with food.
Like a cat, it lies in wait
With cards close to its chest
Until we bypass caution
And don our Sunday best.
Thus, prudence adjudicates
Our picnic we might delay
And instead get chicken nugs
And mac and cheese today.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 