So I invented a nifty new thing
That’s a circular mobility aid.
I call it a “wheel”, and if we’re for real
It’s the best thing anyone’s ever made.
As I was showing it off today
This dude with a halo came by
And just picked it up, put his blood in a cup,
And vamoosed. Now I’m stuck asking why.
Filed under Poems
Meet a girl who buys you chocolate,
Gets you flowers, buys dessert.
Just be aware that girls like that
May have once been your friend, Bert.
Filed under Poems
When a man loves a woman
It is undeniable that
He’ll either be rejected
Or get married and get fat.
When a woman loves a man
She will inevitably feel
As if she’s also gotten fat
(Or is it that dress? What an ordeal!)
I’m not aware of patterns
In the non-binarily inclined
But if they also get fatter
They do not seem to mind.
So, while Ozempic is an option
If weight loss is your course,
I might also reccomend
The non-prescription choice: Divorce.
Filed under Poems
The lazy rain will not commit
To ruining our mood,
But teases we who might decide
To go outside with food.
Like a cat, it lies in wait
With cards close to its chest
Until we bypass caution
And don our Sunday best.
Thus, prudence adjudicates
Our picnic we might delay
And instead get chicken nugs
And mac and cheese today.
Filed under Poems
If you have not said
“Lozenge” today, try it out;
It’s a banger word.
Filed under Poems
Haikus prove Japan
Thought of TikTok poetry
Way before the world.
Filed under Poems
A candle popped over my head
As my epiphany did start:
Perhaps making that time machine
Turned out to not be smart.
Filed under Poems
When your heart beats really fast
That’s tachycardia
(Or so the doctors would have you believe).
But if your heart beats quickly
And you’re upper-middle class
It’s classycardia. (Ok, I’ll leave)
Filed under Poems
When robbers hold their guns out
And bellow, “Stick ‘em up”
The whole ordeal is really rather crass.
But it gets even worse
When they try to rob the livestock
‘Cause then the robbers “Stick ‘em up” your ass.
Filed under Poems
They say money can’t buy happiness
And maybe they are right
But money can buy spiders
That you can give people out of spite
And spiteful spider-giving
Puts a smile on my face
When I put those “money can’t buy” people
In their rightful place.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 