I want to be a comic sidekick
Who is dorky but also inspiring.
I’ve no fears, I jerk tears, and bring laughter
But nobody seems to be hiring.
At least I can bring home some bacon
And dress in ridiculous ways
Right here at Volcanic Hideaways Inc.
Until evil brings about better days.
Filed under Poems
We asked Canada to become a state
But they responded with only hate.
What was poor America to do
But extend the offer to Venezuela too?
Filed under Poems
In the distant German mountains
The cloistered monks abide,
Perfectly fermenting
The hidden power that’s inside.
They slice a cabbage handily
With their German ninja blade,
Discovering through discipline
How real strength is made.
They drink not wine but vinegar
As they battle high and low,
The secret monk practitioners
Of the great art: Sauer Do.
Filed under Poems
Demon worshippers
Moulding children to their will
Using dice and math.
Filed under Poems
Kids think school is really neat.
It’s all the crayons you can eat
And lots of friends to boss around
‘Til you weigh more than fifty pounds.
After that school isn’t great.
You’re teased for all the crayons you ate
By bigger kids with smaller brains
And many fewer choochoo trains.
If school stuck to its “pre” version
It would enhance student immersion.
Alas, they think we have to learn
And that’s why I will not return.
Filed under Poems
My wife has a disease
Where her nose is really oozy,
Her muscles ache, she’s sneezy,
And occasionally woozy.
She sleeps a lot and burps a lot
And makes a sound like “schplurk”.
I’m going to kiss her on the mouth
Then take some time off work.
Filed under Poems
All you have to do to be rich
Is take a home equity loan
Then invest in a diversified index fund
With an interest rate that makes you moan
Then wait thirty years as the market grows
And you’ll be in billionaire bliss!
That or just be good looking
And divorce someone who did this.
Filed under Poems
What if the dragons never died
But decided just to stay inside
And collect the unemployment gold
Until they’re all dried-up and old?
They’d love something to be working on
But the princess kidnapping jobs are gone
Thanks to the fall of monarchy
(The dragon version of ChatGPT?)
So instead the wyrms grow older still
With nothing inspiring a fiery kill.
Is that better than them being dead?
These are the thoughts that fill my head…
Filed under Poems
If, instead of using eugenics
To get a particular color of eye,
They bred for noses that never get stuffy
We’d think better of small-mustache guy.
Filed under Poems
I remember how my sister,
69, was always “nice”.
Then my brother, 67,
Became a meme. It happened twice!
Yet here I am, poor 68,
Unrecognized ‘til now.
I am still important though,
And let me tell you how:
I’m the atomic number for Erbium
And the number of squares in Chutes and Ladders;
Emperor Nero died in year 68
So Julio-Claudians think that matters;
I’m a trope for a generic hotel room number
And the latitude of midnight sun;
L.C. Greenwood of the Steelers
Wore my number. Super fun!
I’m two-times-two times seventeen
And a Californian highway
And still despite these awesome facts
I never get things my way…
For now I’ll stay anonymous
As seems to be my fate
But watch for me on YouTube
In 2028.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 