My wife has a disease
Where her nose is really oozy,
Her muscles ache, she’s sneezy,
And occasionally woozy.
She sleeps a lot and burps a lot
And makes a sound like “schplurk”.
I’m going to kiss her on the mouth
Then take some time off work.
Tag Archives: Silly
Financial Planning 101
All you have to do to be rich
Is take a home equity loan
Then invest in a diversified index fund
With an interest rate that makes you moan
Then wait thirty years as the market grows
And you’ll be in billionaire bliss!
That or just be good looking
And divorce someone who did this.
Filed under Poems
At Least They Earn Royalties For Their Likenesses From Tattoo Parlors
What if the dragons never died
But decided just to stay inside
And collect the unemployment gold
Until they’re all dried-up and old?
They’d love something to be working on
But the princess kidnapping jobs are gone
Thanks to the fall of monarchy
(The dragon version of ChatGPT?)
So instead the wyrms grow older still
With nothing inspiring a fiery kill.
Is that better than them being dead?
These are the thoughts that fill my head…
Filed under Poems
*Sniff*
If, instead of using eugenics
To get a particular color of eye,
They bred for noses that never get stuffy
We’d think better of small-mustache guy.
Filed under Poems
The Middle Child (68)
I remember how my sister,
69, was always “nice”.
Then my brother, 67,
Became a meme. It happened twice!
Yet here I am, poor 68,
Unrecognized ‘til now.
I am still important though,
And let me tell you how:
I’m the atomic number for Erbium
And the number of squares in Chutes and Ladders;
Emperor Nero died in year 68
So Julio-Claudians think that matters;
I’m a trope for a generic hotel room number
And the latitude of midnight sun;
L.C. Greenwood of the Steelers
Wore my number. Super fun!
I’m two-times-two times seventeen
And a Californian highway
And still despite these awesome facts
I never get things my way…
For now I’ll stay anonymous
As seems to be my fate
But watch for me on YouTube
In 2028.
Filed under Poems
Mon Dieu!
The English marched on Agincourt
With hoards of longbowmen
To fight the army of the French.
They were terribly surprised when
They loosed a thousand arrows
And those chic Parisian dorks
Brought out the champagne bottles
And fired back with corks.
Filed under Poems
A Real Man’s Christmas Wishlist
Triumph over evil
Victory in battle
A wife and seven children
Some land to herd my cattle
A fancy leather cowboy hat
A closet full of guns
A quiet place to rest my head
And lots of silly puns.
Filed under Poems
If You’re Not Reading This, I’m No Longer Stuck On A Random Wednesday
Horror movies are just Groundhog Day
But it’s Halloween instead.
Now with that insight passed on
I’m going to go to bed.
Filed under Poems
Careful What You Wish For
If wishes were horses
What would you do?
Probably get trampled
But never run out of glue.
Filed under Poems
I May Not Have Money, But I Have A Weird Imagination
I wish I had a yttrium-plated snow globe.
A yttrium-plated globe would make me smile
Because I’d have something no billionaire has
At least for a brief and satisfying while.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 