I got tired of seeing ads
For beer and women’s shoes
So I installed an ad blocker
‘Cause what did I have to lose?
Soon my girlfriend Yui called
Saying, “Dave, you’re such a bore!”
I guess it’s my fault hot asians
Don’t want to date me anymore…
If you give a million tiny dollars
To a your own voodoo doll
Do you get full sized money?
To try, give me a call!
When you remember your username
But the password you do not
And have to point out stop signs
To prove you aren’t a robot…
I think they should have a youtube ad
And if you don’t click “skip in 5”
They know you are a robot,
Or at least you’re not alive.
I see a lot of ads these days
When browsing on the net
For Calvin Klein’s new underwear
(I haven’t purchased yet).
Since it’s pride month I get these pics
Of models in a bra.
The caption reads “Proud in my Calvins,”
But I read it as “Hell naw!”
I’m curious if, come July,
We start to see some ads:
“Fruit of the Loom: No fags allowed.”
“Target: For guys with ‘nads.”
“Jesus loves Mack Weldon briefs:
“Wear them or be a sinner.”
“Panties for ladies who realize
“Dildos don’t buy you dinner.”
I was feeling unfulfilled
As I browsed the worldwide web.
My loneliness was at its peak,
My energy at ebb.
Then I saw an advertisement
That said “Hot Singles Near You.”
I turned on my ad blocker
And was lonely again. Phew!
You start out with a robot
That’s been made with CGI
Who says one beer is best
With no compelling reason why.
Next you strip the advertisement
Of anything resembling humor
So you don’t provoke the many
With an “I’m Offended” tumor.
Then say “We love social justice
“So you should buy our calamari”
With the sincerity of a five-year-old
When they’re forced to say “I’m sorry.”
The result’s an advertisement
To appeal to a mob
That hates all corporations
But still needs them for their job.
I hope next year’s Sportsball expo
Doesn’t try to be so “woke”
And the 2020 vegans
Are prepared to take a joke.
I looked for better deals
For my monthly cell phone plan.
Some offers good, others not,
There was a terrific span.
But the ad from Virgin Mobile
Was the one that caught my eye.
It was a picture of my car;
“Read our name again and cry.”
If this poem were a commercial
Worth four million dollars
It would be filled with puppies
Running free without collars,
Their tongues in fluid motion
Lapping up a river of beer
As a celebrity drives an empty road
While shedding a single tear.
A song would fill the background,
Upbeat, with finger snaps
Sung by a choir homeless children
Wearing “Panthers 2016” caps.
It would have repeated dialogue.
It would have a big impact.
It would be better than what we actually saw,
And that would be a fact.