Do you love comedy, but hate laughing?
Do you like shows where all the talented cast members left but you keep watching anyway?
Did you take a Buzzfeed personality test that called you “The one who sucks all the joy out of your friend group” and posted it proudly on social media with the caption “ZOMG, this is like soooooo me!”?
No?
Yeah, that’s what we thought.
Don’t watch SNL.
Filed under Uncategorized
Back when Youtube first began
A bunch of kids created
Videos so funny that
Folks nearly suffocated.
Now, insurance companies
Pay grown-ups lots of money
To make commercial messages
Which somehow still aren’t funny.
If you want to sell me
Some insurance or the like
You should fire your writing staff
And hire some kid named Mike
‘Cause when I see an ad that says
“We’re expensive, we won’t lie
“But we’re not just corporate assholes”
That’s the moment that I’ll buy!
Filed under Poems
“What if, instead of selling stuff
To people who will buy it
We interrupt TV and stuff
To talk about a diet,
A tv show, a sugar drink,
A car, or car insurance?
That should make folks love us,
Or at least that’s my inference!”
Filed under Poems
I got tired of seeing ads
For beer and women’s shoes
So I installed an ad blocker
‘Cause what did I have to lose?
Soon my girlfriend Yui called
Saying, “Dave, you’re such a bore!”
I guess it’s my fault hot asians
Don’t want to date me anymore…
Filed under Poems
If you give a million tiny dollars
To a your own voodoo doll
Do you get full sized money?
To try, give me a call!
Filed under Poems
When you remember your username
But the password you do not
And have to point out stop signs
To prove you aren’t a robot…
I think they should have a youtube ad
And if you don’t click “skip in 5”
They know you are a robot,
Or at least you’re not alive.
Filed under Poems
I see a lot of ads these days
When browsing on the net
For Calvin Klein’s new underwear
(I haven’t purchased yet).
Since it’s pride month I get these pics
Of models in a bra.
The caption reads “Proud in my Calvins,”
But I read it as “Hell naw!”
I’m curious if, come July,
We start to see some ads:
“Fruit of the Loom: No fags allowed.”
“Target: For guys with ‘nads.”
“Jesus loves Mack Weldon briefs:
“Wear them or be a sinner.”
“Panties for ladies who realize
“Dildos don’t buy you dinner.”
Filed under Poems
I was feeling unfulfilled
As I browsed the worldwide web.
My loneliness was at its peak,
My energy at ebb.
Then I saw an advertisement
That said “Hot Singles Near You.”
I turned on my ad blocker
And was lonely again. Phew!
Filed under Poems
You start out with a robot
That’s been made with CGI
Who says one beer is best
With no compelling reason why.
Next you strip the advertisement
Of anything resembling humor
So you don’t provoke the many
With an “I’m Offended” tumor.
Then say “We love social justice
“So you should buy our calamari”
With the sincerity of a five-year-old
When they’re forced to say “I’m sorry.”
The result’s an advertisement
To appeal to a mob
That hates all corporations
But still needs them for their job.
I hope next year’s Sportsball expo
Doesn’t try to be so “woke”
And the 2020 vegans
Are prepared to take a joke.
Filed under Poems
I looked for better deals
For my monthly cell phone plan.
Some offers good, others not,
There was a terrific span.
But the ad from Virgin Mobile
Was the one that caught my eye.
It was a picture of my car;
“Read our name again and cry.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 