You start out with a robot
That’s been made with CGI
Who says one beer is best
With no compelling reason why.
Next you strip the advertisement
Of anything resembling humor
So you don’t provoke the many
With an “I’m Offended” tumor.
Then say “We love social justice
“So you should buy our calamari”
With the sincerity of a five-year-old
When they’re forced to say “I’m sorry.”
The result’s an advertisement
To appeal to a mob
That hates all corporations
But still needs them for their job.
I hope next year’s Sportsball expo
Doesn’t try to be so “woke”
And the 2020 vegans
Are prepared to take a joke.
I looked for better deals
For my monthly cell phone plan.
Some offers good, others not,
There was a terrific span.
But the ad from Virgin Mobile
Was the one that caught my eye.
It was a picture of my car;
“Read our name again and cry.”
If this poem were a commercial
Worth four million dollars
It would be filled with puppies
Running free without collars,
Their tongues in fluid motion
Lapping up a river of beer
As a celebrity drives an empty road
While shedding a single tear.
A song would fill the background,
Upbeat, with finger snaps
Sung by a choir homeless children
Wearing “Panthers 2016” caps.
It would have repeated dialogue.
It would have a big impact.
It would be better than what we actually saw,
And that would be a fact.