I don’t believe in giving the government
Unlimited power to spend
Because what if they give
Drum sets to all who live?
See how badly all this could end?
Tag Archives: Stupid
Then Vs. Now
Love is a multistage aerobic capacity test that progressively gets more difficult as it continues.
Love will begin in 30 seconds. Line up at the start. The running speed starts slowly, but gets faster each minute after you hear this signal: (“I do”)
A single lap should be completed each time you hear this sound. (“Honey, why is the cat hairless?”)
Remember to run in a straight line, and run as long as possible. The second time you fail to complete a lap before the sound, your test is over. The test will begin on the word start.
On your mark, get ready, start.
Filed under Poems
Elite Athletes Need Specific Food? Nah… Be Vegan
There once were olympics in Paris
Whose food service tends to embarrass.
They said “Earth’s getting hot!
“Eat le meat you will not
“But you’ll have un grande vue from the terrace.”
Filed under Poems
Fine Print Matters
I signed up for a credit card
And I’m going to be rich.
See, the card has special privileges
That’s almost like a glitch:
Every time you spend with it
You get a hundred loyalty bucks
That you can trade for fancy stuff
Like jewelry or Chucks.
Update: It’s been seven months.
I have a billion bucks, and I
Am being tracked by debt collectors
And I need to cry.
It turns out that a billion bucks
Translates to about a dime
And there’s something called an “interest”
That grows a lot with time.
Update: Now my stuff is gone
And I live on the street
With somebody named “Pickle Jim”
And also “Fentanyl Pete.”
I guess the whole “free money” thing
Made me spend a bit too hard
But at least I could exchange my points
For a Visa prepaid card!
Filed under Poems
Honestly, Don’t Limit It To Just Movies
I think instead of IMDB
Or Rotten Tomatoes reviews
We just need a site to completely compile
Liberal white women’s reviews.
Then you can see which films don’t appeal
To Karen and Kaitlyn and co.
That would inform me much more directly
If a film will be funny or no.
Filed under Poems
Murica
‘Twas the Fifth of July
And all through the room
People were sleepy
From lots of boom boom.
But we can take solace
As tinnitus lingers:
The worst of our neighbors
Now have but nine fingers.
Filed under Poems
The Zookeeper Writes An Honest Children’s Book
A is for Antelope, which isn’t a deer.
B is for Babirusa, which isn’t a pig.
C is for Capybara, an animal I hear
Was the largest of rodents ‘til your kid did appear.
D is for Dumbo Octopus, a name that fits you.
E is for Echidna, which I wish your wife said.
F is for Frigatebird, which sounds much akin
To what I wish to say unto you and your kin.
G is for Gerenuk, which is also not a deer.
H is for a place where you might disappear.
I am now leaving to go do my job
And I bid good day to you and your blob.
Filed under Poems
Am I Sexy And Dangerous Now?
Roses are red.
Vegans are pale.
When they read my blog in 10 years
They’ll probably put me in jail.
Filed under Poems
What Do You Mean We Have Weird Books In Our School Libraries?
Meet Vlad.
Vlad is sad.
Vlad thinks climate change is bad.
Vlad cannot cite sources? Woah!
But xe’s doing xir best though.
Vlad knows that to stop the pain
Of having marginally less rain
Because of heat that cow fart brings
Means having to do some painful things.
Vlad helps Earth by blocking cars
And hanging flyers up at bars.
Xe spray paints slogans over art
And lives out of a shopping cart.
Xe knows capitalism is bad.
And so is having a present dad.
Be like Vlad and we’ll show you lenience:
The climate depends on your inconvenience.
Filed under Poems
I Think I Covered The Big Ones…
What type of Youtube watcher are you?
The type who watches that Indian dude?
Maybe the type who react to the trends
Or enjoys watching guys give cash to their friends?
Maybe you watch it for voice-to-text vids
Or use it to sedate your satanic kids?
If none of these channels tickles your tubes
Let me suggest another one – Boobs.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 