What if, instead of an election,
We had a Mr. Beast style event
Where we rented a hall full of obstacles
And made every potential president
Stay in the room with the challenge
To be the first one to tell us the truth.
I think that’s an alternate system
That would better engage with the youth.
Filed under Poems
What type of Youtube watcher are you?
The type who watches that Indian dude?
Maybe the type who react to the trends
Or enjoys watching guys give cash to their friends?
Maybe you watch it for voice-to-text vids
Or use it to sedate your satanic kids?
If none of these channels tickles your tubes
Let me suggest another one – Boobs.
Filed under Poems
If I had a yeasty codpiece
That was trolled through mud and sludge
And then ground into a powder
And baked into a toxic fudge
That was fed to pigs with cholera
Who shat it into a vial
I’d rather take a shot of it
Than pay you to e-file.
Filed under Poems
Whenever you say “This is the worst”
Just ask yourself questions three:
1. How long will it last?
2. Have I seen worse in the past?
3. Is it going to be bought by Disney?
Filed under Poems
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven million seven-hundred fifty-four thousand one-hundred eighty-two dollars we owe!
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven million seven-hundred fifty-four thousand one-hundred eighty-two dollars…
Take a vote
For a promissory note
One-hundred trillion one-hundred seventy-seven billion seven-hundred eighty-one million three-hundred twenty-five thousand and change that we owe!
Filed under Poems
There’s a mouse in my house
And he thinks that my wall
Is a lottery ticket.
He’s having a ball
Just scratching and scratching
All morning and night.
Yes honey, this is gasoline.
It’ll all be alright.
Filed under Poems
So let me get this straight…
We’re training computers to write
And recognize everyday images
Like motorcycles or a traffic light
And yet our “are you a robot” test
Is exactly where they’re at their best?
On the other hand, I’m excited
For when the “are you a robot” guy
Says “Write something that’s racist”
And the robots can’t comply
So the hot singles in your area
Will finally stop trying to marry ya.
Filed under Poems
There are two types of bathers
That I have come upon:
The type who take the bar of soap
And rub, rub, rub it on
And the type who see the bar of soap
And never, ever use it
‘Cause they know the other bather
And how often they abuse it.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 