Concrete Washington: Folk Hero (Or Just Denzel’s Brother)

Indiana Jones was a big success

(Until 2008).

You have to wonder if similar names

Would enjoy a similar fate

Like Alaska Round, detective

Or Iowa Guysummoney?

Idaho Youhadhertoo?

Would people find these funny?

Kansas state thing be abused

Or must we resort to towns

Like Helena -West Helena Johnson

Or, better yet, Cleveland Brown?

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The Best Video Game Story Since Tetris

I lived in a two-story house.

The upper floor was mine.

I told my mom “I’m moving out.”

She said “you’re 10, so that’s fine.”

I tried to leave my little town

But an old man happened to see

And called “don’t go into the grass.”

Then ordered “follow me!”

I walked back with him to his lab

Where he forgot his grandson’s name

And gave me a living vegetable

That some people think is lame.

The old guy’s grandson challenged me

To a battle without gore

And I showed the power of friendship

Via my brand-new bulbasaur.

From that point on my journey

Is a blur of fallen foes

From Brock, Misty, and zubats

To a couple missingnos.

Somehow grandson Noname

Was always a step ahead

But I met him in Vermillion

And made his Raticate dead.

Then I beat organized crime,

Filled an encyclopedia,

Became the champion of the world

Without even leech-seeding ya’.

I am in fact the very best

So between you and me

I think the secret to success

Is skipping puberty.

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Thus Was Born A PhD

The problems with school are many

But the primary lamentation

Is that the methodology

Lacks invigorating implementation.

Instead of “teaching math”

We could promote symbolic logic.

Instead of “reading textbooks”

Let’s devour tomes-pedagogic.

Instead of “learning new words”

Let’s rejuvenate the vernacular.

It’s these zeitgeist-alterations

That would make school more spectacular.

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But Both Are Equally Boring When Presented By The Intellectual Elite

I questioned the need

For vagina monologues.

Why we needed them was a mystery.

Then I realized

That the penis dialogues

Was basically just all of history.

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You Didn’t Eat Your Broccoli, Thus…

Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.

Yeah, that’s a thing that Satan wants to do.

His mouth’s already watering

At the prospect of slaughtering

That tasty human spirit that is you!

Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.

I heard him to his Mrs. Satan say

“Hey, why don’t you and me go

“Have some eggs and Human Ego

“As a nutritious snack to start the day!”

Satan has a hunch

That it’s too soon for lunch

And, by that logic, also too soon for dinner.

But they don’t sleep-in in Hell

And to start his day off well

You are the perfect portion size of sinner!

(Everybody)!

Satan wants to eat your soul for breakfast.

He wants to fill his belly with your Id.

I hope you’ve read your Dante

‘Cause you’re what Satan wants. Hey!

That’s what you get for being a naughty kid!

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Thus, Words With Friends

I figured I could dabble

In championship Scrabble.

Then he played “Krypterqu”

For 502.

Now I just play with the rabble.

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How To Fail Less

If at first you don’t succeed

Find out who has made it so

Then stab that person ’til they bleed

And on to victory you’ll go.

This strategy has proven good

Historically for folks who are male

But wait! Do it not you should

If you cause yourself to fail.

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