If I had a nickel
For every time I lied
I would have zero cents
And a supermodel by my side.
Golden Slipper
I slipped on a banana
And fell on my butt
And it excited me
Because you know what?
Everyone told me “you’ll never
“Be yogurt” but I fought ‘em
And now look at me!
I’ve got fruit on the bottom!
Filed under Poems
All Breast Meat
If you were a mother and became a zombie
And started a life with you lil zombaby
Unlife would seem great when you lurch from the hearse
‘Til it’s time for the zombaby to nurse…
Filed under Poems
Artistic Priorities
Today I was a DJ
At a wedding for my friends.
It was great, but tiring
And thus this poem ends.
Filed under Poems
The Good Life
Today I played some rock and roll
‘Til ten o’clock at night,
Then when outside to watch a comet
In his fiery flight,
Drank some cool tap water
That soothed a tired throat
And pondered why the universe
Decided ducks should float.
Some of this was worldly
And some was wild and rough
And some was almost childish
But not nearly enough.
So when you watch the news and think
The world has gone to hell
I hope you play some rock and roll
‘Til ten o’clock as well.
Filed under Poems
Deep Thoughts
I think of all the seaweed
The one that gets the most teased
Has got to be the kelp
‘Cause their name rhymes with help.
I think of all the jewelry
The one suffering the least tomfoolery
Would have to be the silver
By the same logic as previously.
Filed under Poems
The Future Of Marriage
I love myself. I’m awesome.
I do, myself, amaze.
I really am incredible
In oh so many ways.
That’s why I decided
To buy myself a ring
And propose to myself romantically
While the doves of morning sing.
Alas, I’m so amazing
That I’m too good for me
So I turned down the proposal
And sobbed and said “Hehe.”
I am all distraught, and yet
I’m strong of will and mettle
Knowing that I’m great enough
To never, ever settle.
Filed under Poems
Preview of the State of the Union, 2023
Socks suck!
That’s an absolute fact.
They make your feet sweaty
And fail to attract.
They’re itchy and tubular,
Brown, black, and white
But if paired with some sandals
I guess they’re alright…
Filed under Poems
The Racist Test
Asians are little.
White people are bigger.
The next largest up
Would have to be the magnitude of panic in your eyes when I start reading this poem on the streets of any major city at night.
Filed under Poems
Two Jobs That Make Six Figures But Nobody Respects
I heard a job ad this afternoon:
“Need a change in career?
“Get a class A CDL
“And drive a big rig here.”
The company that advertised
Was “Johnson’s Gas and Lubricant Shipping”
And I figured it was close enough
To my current job of stripping…
After all, I already know
How to handle giant hardware,
How to move lube on the night shift,
And stopping traffic isn’t rare.
I load cargo in the backdoor
And handle massive logs
And I’ve known my share of pigs
(As well as cows and dogs).
I’ve made a living dancing
But now I just can’t wait
To sit all day upon my butt
‘Cause I know my butt is great!
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 