True At Every Age

Some days your mind is foggy

And your heart is cold as ice

But you know soon you’ll have a poop

And that will feel nice!

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In Other News, The Pipe Organ Will Be Renamed “The Vapiano”

Today at the store

I saw advertised

“Raspberry oranges”

Which I soon surmised

Were simply blood oranges

Rebranded so they

Would not offend those

Whose balls went away.

Now as days get longer

And evenings get hotter

I give thanks that raspberries

Are thicker than water.

If I buy some candy

With a blue-raspberry taste

I’ll know royal blood

Has great suffering faced.

I’ll go to church

For the raspberry of Christ.

Instead of blood running cold

I’ll make raspberry ice!

Yes, the pussification

Of America is sweet

‘Til the raspberry of Patriots

Signals final defeat!

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Happy 18th Birthday?

Today I worked an eight-hour day

And did not feel blue

Until I finally realized

I must tomorrow too…

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Hope Exists In Odd Places

The fact that football stadiums

Are filled with maskless faces

Who came to watch a bunch of men

Of many faiths and races

Hit each other for a ball

While chanting “Let’s Go Brandon”

Makes me think the world’s too good

To suddenly abandon.

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Better Than Two Cliche New Years Haiku… But Not By Much

Last year if I forgot to write

A poem (like yesterday)

I would write two poems, both

Which would have nothing to say.

This year my resolution

Is to write one thing that’s good

Instead of writing two bad poems

Just ‘cause I said I would.

So if you are that one person

Who reads my daily crap

And realized I missed a day

I hope you’ll stop and clap

Because I’ve reframed laziness

In terms of personal growth

And if that isn’t something good

Then what it is I do not know’th.

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This Is Why God Chose Me To Have A Poet’s Salary

If I had a billion dollars

I’d buy a sports franchise

And make a special policy

To only hire guys

With super inappropriate surnames

Like Hitler, Kuntz, White-Powers,

And listen to the commentators

Say their names for hours…

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Dreams and Reality

One day I’ll wake in the morning

And look to the sky in the East

And see the sunrise with my well rested eyes

Before cooking a bacony feast.

One day I’ll go for a run

For a mile, or maybe for ten

Then go on a date with my lovely soulmate

And laugh ‘til the sun sets again.

One day my dreams may be real

But I pray it does not come to that

‘Cause today I slept in and wore naught but my skin

And drank egg nog and snuggled a cat.

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Yeah, The Secret Paedophile Lizards Have Gone Too Far Now…

I needed some lubrication

(Not for that, you dirty cad!)

So I went to the supermarket

To see what types they had.

They had oil made from olives,

Coconuts, almonds, sunflowers,

And ingredients I can’t pronounce

Even if I tried for hours.

But then I saw a product

That set my blood a boil:

Somebody was selling there

A jar of baby oil!

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All True, But It Should Have Ended Eight Lines Sooner

If you put yogurt into a tube

It changes its name to Gogurt.

If you put yogurt into a friendship

It changes its name to brogurt.

If you plant yogurt deep in the forest

Someday it just might growgurt.

If you give it high heels and make it dance

You could say its a showgurt.

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Three Poems On The Mysteries Of Love

If I had a pickle

For every time you smile

I’d be decorating sandwiches

For a sufficient while.


As the birds sing in the morning

And the bugs crawl in the night

So too doth my heart yearneth

When you say “Meh, you’re alright…”


I picked the petals from the flower:

“She loves me, she loves me not…”

But I misread the directions

Turns out it was flour I bought.

As I sift through every grain

I frown and then I smile.

I’m getting a great workout

But the results will take a while.

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