Now There’s A Joke!

Golf

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I Can Safely Write This Because She Doesn’t Read My Blog And Is Imaginary

Some sayings sound satisfying

But don’t apply to real life,

Like “what comes up must come down”

Doesn’t work for the weight of my wife…

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Still Better Than Veganism

Were I a can of cheese

Sitting softly on the shelf

I would live a peaceful life,

Like a stereotypical fantasy elf.

I would not fear to be consumed,

Nor to expire or lose my hair.

I would be orange and insubstantial,

Pressured only by compressed air.

And then one fateful afternoon

Should someone spread me out

And eat me, I can surely say

I’ll probably make them pout.

Yes, the life of cheese-in-a-can

Is an underrated goal:

Such is my conclusion.

I hope you found this droll.

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I Really Need To Move To The South Already…

You tell me not to use a straw

Because somewhere in the sea

A turtle was killed by floating trash,

Perhaps produced by me.

And somewhere I imagine

In the ocean, deep and blue,

A turtle chokes on a straw and is grateful

To not be dating you.

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An American In Paris

When walking les rues de Paris

I see people looking at me.

They laugh, “hua hua hua!”

At je ne sais quoi

And, like any sane person, I flee.

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Why I Got A Hepatitis-F On My Biology Exam

“Hepatitis A

And Hepatitis B

Are differentiated by

The number of hours they study.”

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“Santiago Must Die”

They said I could do anything

If I put my heart into it

But after 17 years in a mariachi metal band

A part of me says “screw it.”

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