And He Was Like, “Bohemian Rhapsody Is So Long…”

Sometimes you park your car

Just when a song starts playing

And you sing along, now knowing

That your plans are worth delaying.

For some folks it’s the Beatles,

And for some the Rolling Stones.

For me it’s Wagner’s Ring Cycle

Which is why I’m a pile of bones.

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It’s A Mystery!

I don’t get why some folks don’t like me.

I do all the things that they say

Like supporting the wenches and slant-eyes and injuns

And even my cousin who’s gay.

I don’t get why people think I am offensive

When all thems is stupid and fat.

I guess they must envy my skills in the kitchen…

Those Jews don’t know how to cook rat!

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From the Diary of Washington’s Next Top Martyr

This afternoon, Jay Inslee,

The Governor of WA,

Mandated everyone wear masks

To which I stated: “Ha!”

The problem with such mandates

Is that if up the police show

You can say “I’m attracted to plants today”

And they have to let you go.

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When Your Roommate Asks You To Demonstrate Basic Hygiene, But You Demonstrate Basic Verbal Agility Instead

You told me, “Take the garbage out,”

And, I’ll admit, I tried.

Alas, your sister’s married

And refused to go outside.

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We’ve Come A Long Way Since “Pong”

“Hey Mr. Producer Guy,

I’ve got a game idea

Where two people survive the apocalypse.”

“Sure, Mr. designer guy,

But instead of death and zombies

Make the focus on blooming relationships.”

“Great idea, but what if

Instead of playing through the game

Players watched long, scripted movies of themselves?”

“And what about having

Unskippable gay sex missions?

It’ll fly right off the shelves!”

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Breaking: Pinocchio Becomes Democratic AND Republican Frontrunner

Geppetto saw the puppet

Come alive one fateful night.

He hardly could contain his pure

Excitement and delight.

He asked, “What is your power?”

To which the toy replied,

“My nose grows when I’m truthful

“And I’ve never, ever lied.”

Geppetto took the puppet

On a tour of the land

And the puppet said, “You’re beautiful”

To all the coarse and bland.

“A gift to puppetmakers

“Will increase your Earthly wealth.”

And so, in awe, they watched the nose

And drank unto his health.

And as the ugly stayed the same,

The poor stayed destitute,

The puppet stayed beloved,

For his word was absolute.

This lesson serves to illustrate

Wherefore in every hour

We ought not correlate the truth

With presence of a power.

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Empires Fall… *Single Tear*

The Persians used to rule the world

Before they started making rugs.

The British used to rule the world

Before they gave the world free hugs.

So too the Mongols, Austria-Hungary,

Greeks, and Romans lost their graces,

But none fell more than when the Goths

Learned new ways to paint their faces…

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Hot and Cold

I watched her eat the popsicle

With long and sultry licks.

Her eyes met mine and so she threw

A nibble in the mix.

She slid it in and out again

‘Til it got soft and warm

And then she killed its family

And I left the women’s dorm.

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The Soy-Bacon of Vice

This evening I realized,

While sitting in the sauna,

Some people make a living

By baking food with marijuana.

So if you are a baker

It does appear to me

You’re basically just selling weed

With a cheaper recipe…

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Why Has No One Mentioned This Unsung Hero Yet? Conspiracy!

Amidst the “What the heck?s”

About kneeling for anthems and necks

One man has consistently stood tall:

That man is Neil Diamond,

Who protested against crime and

Didn’t change his name to “Stand.” That’s all.

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