If you really squint
You’ll get much better at math.
Sincerely, China.
An Excerpt From My Autobiography
If you play a sport
And you get to choose your team
Picking a poet first overall
Is smarter than it would seem.
If you pick a jock
You may score higher points
Thanks to their atheleticism
And overall healthier joints
But if you pick a poet
They’ll get injured within a minute
And then you don’t have to play sports
And that’s the real goal, innit?
Filed under Poems
Their Legacy Lives On
The upside of old soldiers
In the abs and armor era
Having kids when they were 15
Is that they’d ensure they’d share a
Portion of their DNA
Despite dying in war
Because the guys who choose the front lines
Were rarely 24.
As a result, some children
Are descendants of the guys
Who ran headfirst into battle
Despite their lackluster size,
Their lack of wealth or breeding,
Their dearth of brawn or brain,
Exhibiting no hesitance
For their inevitable pain.
A dozen generations passed
And still their genes live on,
Ensuring the survival
Of their service-minded spawn.
My only wish is that these offspring
With mind and courage of a beast
Would stop running for office
(Or stop winning, at least).
Filed under Poems
Romantic Evenings, Senior Edition
Starry Summer night
My love in my arms, but then
My bladder says “Boo”
Filed under Poems
Reachable Goals
I hope someday AI
Will steal something I make
And put it on a motivational poster
That a kid will learn is fake
And that the insincere message
Will be that child’s final straw
And they’ll achieve cynical nirvana.
Is that a character flaw?
Filed under Poems
Basically All Of Shakespeare’s Sonnets
You are a man of quite unique good looks
And thus a person of value to see
But since you may not read a lot of books
Perchance you are not all you hope to be.
In contrast to the previous stanza
I urge you to consider: have a kid
For when you’re old like the show “Bonanza”
You’ll be very happy that you did,
For time is cruel to those who aren’t asian
And you’ll soon be wrinkly and unsightly
So get to work to not be a virgin
And pursue this mission every-nightly.
When you’re dead your kid will go on living
And your pretty face will keep on giving.
Filed under Poems
When You Want To Be Sensitive But Can’t Rhyme And Only Have One Minute To Write
The first haiku was
TikTok for ancient Japan.
Ninjas loved that junk.
Filed under Poems
Guilty Consciences
I used words like “pedantic”
To demonstrate my wit.
I followed academia
To drink from wisdom’s tit.
I had A’s and opinions
And the public called me smart
All to hide my guilty secret:
I giggled at a fart.
Filed under Poems
Or GTA 6 (My Disappointment Is Immeasurable)
We’ve almost achieved
AI singularity.
Still no laser sharks.
Filed under Poems
When Insomnia Pays Off (Happy Weekend)
Tonight’s the night
I forgot to write,
Though not by choice
Nor lack of voice.
So now I mock
My writer’s block
And from my bed
Thank insomnia instead.
And now my daily burden done
I await the smiling morning sun
So I can say, “Good morning,” and then
Go happily back to sleep again.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 