On A Scale Of One-To-Steak…

When I see people eating kale

I find it kind of odd

‘Cause kale is to vegetables

As celery is to God.


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Social Media Arguments

If you’d rather win than be happy

And you’d rather be happy than right

You may be a dumb git

And you’ll feel like shit

But hey! You won that Facebook fight.

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This Poem Simultaneously Existed And Didn’t (Until You Saw The Title)

If the name of Ivan Pavlov

Doesn’t ring a bell

Then I know an Erwin Shrodinger

Whose tale I can tell.

He got himself arrested

Despite being a scientific whizz.

He wasn’t sure he killed someone

But they told him and now he is.

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Hao Chow Dong?

Chinese chicks are selfish

When it comes to bedroom acts.

You may not, at first, believe me

So I come equipped with facts:

Their zodiac has animals

Like Rabbit, Dog, and Ox.

Missing (eaten) is the Pussycat.

Still present are the Cocks.

The Beaver’s been devoured

But not the Dragon or the Snake.

It seems most Fish and Birds get eaten,

But hey! That’s just my take…

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EA Poems

There once was a small stoic duck

Who, alas, had run out of luck.

But he soon hatched a plan

And oh boy and oh man!

Unlock the punchline here.

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Double Standard Alert!

If a woman sleeps with 20 men

She’s empowered, so that’s okay,

Yet if I sleep with 20 men

Somehow that makes me gay?

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A Historically Accurate Transcription Of Events Preceding The Invention Of The Microwave Oven

In 1920 some guy said

“A thought just poppethed into mine head.”

His peer responded “Tell me sir,

“What thought does cause thine brain to stir?”

Some guy then said, in a manner quite prickly,

“What if I had a box that heated food quickly?”

His peer replied “Your thought is bold,

“But how about heating the plate and leaving the food cold?”

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