What Are Your Other Two Wishes?

“Prove that genies aren’t real!”

Demanded my stepbrother, Buzz.

“The greatest proof genies don’t exist

“Is that single-ply toilet paper still does.”

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How To Get Six-Pack Abs In Five Days (Or Something)

When one has blogged as much as I

One comes to realize

A lot of the view’s one’s blog receives

Come not from human eyes

But from advertising robots

That search for stuff that’s trending

Like Biden, Bitcoin, Keto, Xbox,

And how the world is ending.

Make this go viral… I dare you : )

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Or The Guy Who Watches Him, Or…

If you ever feel bored,

Like you know nothing new,

Just imagine the spy

Who’s whole job’s to watch you.

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Please Confirm Password… Please!

Some people are scared of spiders,

Some people are scared of mice,

But everyone’s scared of making a password

And typing the same mistake twice.

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What A Blessing To Be No One

Somebody is hurting now,

Hungry and alone.

Somebody is lonely

And addicted to a phone.

Somebody is nervous

Thinking they may be too small.

Somebody feels nothing

‘Cause they just don’t care at all.

Somebody is angry

At the world for being there.

Somebody is drowning,

Wanting nothing more than air.

Somebody’s forgotten

How to laugh and sing and dance.

Meanwhile, I am nobody

And grateful for the chance.

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She Wants You Inside Her

The phrase “I want your baby”

Is sometimes super hot.

Mostly it depends if she’s

A cannibal or not.

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Today’s Episode Of “Incompetent Leading Man Bailed Out By Quirky Minority Sidekick” Is Brought To You By…

Before your TV show resumes

Please watch this little ad

From a global corporation

To remind you that you’re bad.

And if our subtle message

Won’t subliminally take

Don’t worry. There are 14 more

In every single break.

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This Poem Will Be Featured Tonight On CNN

In the future we will have peace

Just so long as we silence everyone

Who says we’re like Nazis

Because Nazis lost

And losing is for people who work

And have independent thought.

Also, Jews hurt the economy.

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We Should Have Said “Stay…”

In the beginning the wolves roamed the wild

Just eating the grazers and sometimes a child.

Then some stupid human said “Fluffy! Yoohoo!”

And he started to breed them for me and for you.

The first were domestic and strong, fast and loyal,

A dog for the brave, whether peasant or royal.

They had names like “Fido,” “Apache,” and “Spike,”

And they pooped where they wanted and liked what they like.

But soon came some others, and not for the better:

They came with free handbags and even a sweater.

These dogs were called “Floofums,” “McTwinkle,” and “Cheese,”

And maybe they’ll sit if you nicely ask “Please?”

Soon we’ll have puppies the size of our phones

Who only chew vegan, soy, gluten-free bones,

And when we accept such weak canines as pets

We’ll know just how low our society gets.

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On English Slang and Figures of Speech

If you’re opposed to kinky sex

Then you are very rude

Because you want everybody else

To get regularly screwed.

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