“Prove that genies aren’t real!”
Demanded my stepbrother, Buzz.
“The greatest proof genies don’t exist
“Is that single-ply toilet paper still does.”
How To Get Six-Pack Abs In Five Days (Or Something)
When one has blogged as much as I
One comes to realize
A lot of the view’s one’s blog receives
Come not from human eyes
But from advertising robots
That search for stuff that’s trending
Like Biden, Bitcoin, Keto, Xbox,
And how the world is ending.
Make this go viral… I dare you : )
Filed under Poems
Or The Guy Who Watches Him, Or…
If you ever feel bored,
Like you know nothing new,
Just imagine the spy
Who’s whole job’s to watch you.
Filed under Poems
Please Confirm Password… Please!
Some people are scared of spiders,
Some people are scared of mice,
But everyone’s scared of making a password
And typing the same mistake twice.
Filed under Poems
What A Blessing To Be No One
Somebody is hurting now,
Hungry and alone.
Somebody is lonely
And addicted to a phone.
Somebody is nervous
Thinking they may be too small.
Somebody feels nothing
‘Cause they just don’t care at all.
Somebody is angry
At the world for being there.
Somebody is drowning,
Wanting nothing more than air.
Somebody’s forgotten
How to laugh and sing and dance.
Meanwhile, I am nobody
And grateful for the chance.
Filed under Poems
She Wants You Inside Her
The phrase “I want your baby”
Is sometimes super hot.
Mostly it depends if she’s
A cannibal or not.
Filed under Poems
Today’s Episode Of “Incompetent Leading Man Bailed Out By Quirky Minority Sidekick” Is Brought To You By…
Before your TV show resumes
Please watch this little ad
From a global corporation
To remind you that you’re bad.
And if our subtle message
Won’t subliminally take
Don’t worry. There are 14 more
In every single break.
Filed under Poems
This Poem Will Be Featured Tonight On CNN
In the future we will have peace
Just so long as we silence everyone
Who says we’re like Nazis
Because Nazis lost
And losing is for people who work
And have independent thought.
Also, Jews hurt the economy.
Filed under Poems
We Should Have Said “Stay…”
In the beginning the wolves roamed the wild
Just eating the grazers and sometimes a child.
Then some stupid human said “Fluffy! Yoohoo!”
And he started to breed them for me and for you.
The first were domestic and strong, fast and loyal,
A dog for the brave, whether peasant or royal.
They had names like “Fido,” “Apache,” and “Spike,”
And they pooped where they wanted and liked what they like.
But soon came some others, and not for the better:
They came with free handbags and even a sweater.
These dogs were called “Floofums,” “McTwinkle,” and “Cheese,”
And maybe they’ll sit if you nicely ask “Please?”
Soon we’ll have puppies the size of our phones
Who only chew vegan, soy, gluten-free bones,
And when we accept such weak canines as pets
We’ll know just how low our society gets.
Filed under Poems
On English Slang and Figures of Speech
If you’re opposed to kinky sex
Then you are very rude
Because you want everybody else
To get regularly screwed.
Filed under Poems
