And I Realize I Should Have Forwarded Those Chain Emails After All

I stand atop the rocky cliff

Above the salty ocean blue

And shout to myself “how lovely

“And beautiful are you!”

I stand atop the rocky shore

Above the crashing waves below

And my echo calls back softly

“Whoa now! Let’s take this slow.”


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A Lie Detector Poem

Such is the river adamant:

Neither deep

Nor swift upon the rocks

Of misunderstanding,

Nor should she nod

When it means “optic nerve,”

Or so the sages said.

Two times the wolf.

Two times the narrator.

So why is this a lie detector?

Just read this to someone and ask them what it means to them.

If they say “it’s crap,” congratulations! You have an honest friend.

If they say “the bit about the wolf was chilling” (or anything else, for that matter) you have a suck up, a liar, or (worst of all) a PhD on your hands.

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Back When Some Men Weren’t Rapists

I remember yesterday

When to look at someone was okay,

When an elbow or a shoulder touch

Didn’t mean nearly so much.

I remember yesterday

When a compliment would make her day,

When “you look nice” was not a slur

When casually said by him to her.

I remember yesterday

When a man held doors and asked to pay,

When a bit of gentle care

Was not met with a dour glare.

I remember yesterday

When a guy could idly say

“What’s your number?” and not fear

Her screaming “rape” for all to hear.

So if you remember yesterday

In the aforementioned way

And know its loss would lead to sorrow

Let’s keep the past in mind tomorrow.

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Forgettable Anecdotes Are Born Of These

For everything there is a first:

First kiss, first game, first beer.

For everything there is a last

But we don’t celebrate those here.

For everything there are middles

Unless first and last are the same,

But we tend not to notice these

‘Cause they all seem just the same.

So I challenge you today to share

Your one-thousand-second baseball game,

Your six-hundred and eighth bus ride,

The fourteenth passing of a flame.

You never know how special

The present will someday get.

Besides, people tweet food pics

So you’re still less boring than the net.

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Nothing Good Stems From Small Talk… Get It? Stems?

I think I know why plants don’t speak

And the reason is this:

They cannot pronounce the word


My other hypothesis

For why speech is elusive

Is that plants are politically moderate

(But evidence is inconclusive).

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What He Does Have Are A Very Particular Set Of Skills… Skills He Has Acquired Over A Very Long Career…

He’s an average Joe

Except for really rotten luck

And in a single setting

For the whole film he’ll be stuck

While he tries to save his family

From a grand conspiracy

‘Cause that’s what folks’ll pay to see

Liam Neeson do!

He seems to only star in films

Whose titles start with “the,”

Except of course for Schindler’s List

And Taken 1, 2, 3.

He’s a frequent award nominee

For both his movies and TV

Which shows that people love to see

What Liam Neeson do!

His six-foot-four-inch figure

Makes all women want to burst.

He’s never died (‘xcept in the Star Wars

That used to be the worst).

So if you go to see a show

Then you should already know

The feats he’ll do (and in slow-mo)

To show off more his manly glow

And yet somehow we still all go…

To see what Liam Neeson do!

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I Respect These Hypothetical Natives

Somewhere where the roaring wind

Can give the snow a gentle lift

A solitary wolf begins

To sing the music of Taylor Swift.

And the natives nearby lie awake

Roused by the song from their nap

And pray the wind will roar even louder

To drown out the wolf ’cause who needs that crap?

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