A Poem Is…

A vague sentence

Full of supercilious words

Spread out asymmetrically

Over multiple

Lines,

Rhyming

Optional.

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And Hark! He Said “Thou Cannot Reason With These People”

If we elected God himself

To lead the USA

Half of us would disapprove

Because he’s anti-gay.

Another half would criticize

The way his job was done

And make memes calling him socialist:

“Loaves and fishes for everyone!”

His “love your neighbor” policy

Would, by nationalists, be despised.

We’d call him dumb to design an ark

That’s unfeasibly sized.

We’d cry out “Egomaniac”

Because he asks for praise.

We’d complain that since he made time

The weekend should last four days.

Mary’d call him a rapist

After carrying his son

And some would say the Russians

Are the reason that he won.

They’d break the third commandment

Every day within the news

And people would complain

Because he panders to the Jews.

If we made God the president

He’d be called an old white shill,

But for sure his graven image

Would never grace a dollar bill.

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There Is No Hidden Meaning. You’re Welcome.

I met an Indian guy on Tinder,

A philosopher named Deepinder.

I couldn’t understand most of what he said

So he said “Date my brother Shallowinder instead.”

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Meanwhile Men Just Sit, Kill Animals In Silence, And Love One Another

If you look I think you’ll find

That women are mean to their own kind:

They’ll criticize you if you’re pretty.

They’ll be mean if you look shitty.

They’ll tease you if they can’t see your butt

But if they can then you’re a slut.

They’ll mock you if you’ve got one pal, though

If you are popular they’ll call you shallow.

They’ll fill your life with only hate

But I’m a man. How ’bout a date?

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Ignorance Is Bliss

Our childish dreams are warm

Beneath the blanket of unknowing,

Our sensibilities secure

All thanks to lack of growing.

Dulcet and desultory,

With ease we are besot,

Avoiding the obstreperous

And things requiring thought.

We swim in tranquil waters

As our bones turn into lard.

Our brains become decrepit

As we hide from all that’s hard.

The deities of comfort

Sanctify our mindless chatter,

A lullaby to help forget

Our lives don’t really matter.

When hunger or reality

Force us, languid, to act

We choose harmony of feelings

Over cacophony of fact,

And thus have we who worship

Our mirror’s charming sheen

Learned to pray for ignorance

So that we may die serene.

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This Is a Poem Defying Negative Social Outlooks Towards Men For Innocent Behaviors, Specifically “Mansplaining”

I’m often accused of “mansplaining”

When what I teach just isn’t landing.

But never once have I met a woman

Who I accused of womanunderstanding.

So why do we assume that men are spreaders

And not that chicks on buses seem to shrink?

I await answers with manticipation

‘Cause I’m curious to know what women think.

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The Making Of Shrek 3 (‘Cause 1 and 2 Are Genius)

There once was a movie

That featured a fart

And, in children, it inspired laughter.

And so it was decreed

That fart jokes were a need

In all movies for children thereafter.

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