Because She Took All The Liar’s Money? Or Is He Ridiculously Honest? Either Way, He And His Brother Are Standing By A Fork In The Road And You Probably Have To Ask Them Where Their Town Is Or Something

If I had a nickel

For every time I lied

I would have zero cents

And a supermodel by my side.

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Golden Slipper

I slipped on a banana

And fell on my butt

And it excited me

Because you know what?

Everyone told me “you’ll never

“Be yogurt” but I fought ‘em

And now look at me!

I’ve got fruit on the bottom!

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All Breast Meat

If you were a mother and became a zombie

And started a life with you lil zombaby

Unlife would seem great when you lurch from the hearse

‘Til it’s time for the zombaby to nurse…

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Artistic Priorities

Today I was a DJ

At a wedding for my friends.

It was great, but tiring

And thus this poem ends.

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The Good Life

Today I played some rock and roll

‘Til ten o’clock at night,

Then when outside to watch a comet

In his fiery flight,

Drank some cool tap water

That soothed a tired throat

And pondered why the universe

Decided ducks should float.

Some of this was worldly

And some was wild and rough

And some was almost childish

But not nearly enough.

So when you watch the news and think

The world has gone to hell

I hope you play some rock and roll

‘Til ten o’clock as well.

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Deep Thoughts

I think of all the seaweed

The one that gets the most teased

Has got to be the kelp

‘Cause their name rhymes with help.

I think of all the jewelry

The one suffering the least tomfoolery

Would have to be the silver

By the same logic as previously.

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The Future Of Marriage

I love myself. I’m awesome.

I do, myself, amaze.

I really am incredible

In oh so many ways.

That’s why I decided

To buy myself a ring

And propose to myself romantically

While the doves of morning sing.

Alas, I’m so amazing

That I’m too good for me

So I turned down the proposal

And sobbed and said “Hehe.”

I am all distraught, and yet

I’m strong of will and mettle

Knowing that I’m great enough

To never, ever settle.

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Preview of the State of the Union, 2023

Socks suck!

That’s an absolute fact.

They make your feet sweaty

And fail to attract.

They’re itchy and tubular,

Brown, black, and white

But if paired with some sandals

I guess they’re alright…

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The Racist Test

Asians are little.

White people are bigger.

The next largest up

Would have to be the magnitude of panic in your eyes when I start reading this poem on the streets of any major city at night.

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Two Jobs That Make Six Figures But Nobody Respects

I heard a job ad this afternoon:

“Need a change in career?

“Get a class A CDL

“And drive a big rig here.”

The company that advertised

Was “Johnson’s Gas and Lubricant Shipping”

And I figured it was close enough

To my current job of stripping…

After all, I already know

How to handle giant hardware,

How to move lube on the night shift,

And stopping traffic isn’t rare.

I load cargo in the backdoor

And handle massive logs

And I’ve known my share of pigs

(As well as cows and dogs).

I’ve made a living dancing

But now I just can’t wait

To sit all day upon my butt

‘Cause I know my butt is great!

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