Category Archives: Lyrics

October 14, 2017 · 8:05 am

Night Shift (Every Walmart Ever)

Sleepwalking,

Night stalking…

Insomnia is killing me.

Dead of night,

I feel no fright.

Just a few more hours ’til I’m free.

With empty hearts

And bulging carts

They leave my shelves so very bare.

Their hands are deep

In all that’s cheap.

At these poor beasts I stare.

All these hours

Living in a haze

Just a few more days

On the night shift.

I waste my life

Repeating strife,

Putting boxes back on the shelves.

My peers and I

Just want to cry,

Go home and be all by ourselves.

I ain’t got paid,

But I’ve quit and stayed.

Oh! How that paycheck calls…

I say I’ll walk,

But it’s all talk.

I haven’t got the balls.

All these hours

Hoping its a phase.

Counting down the days

On the night shift.

Then in an instant

I hear the TV:

“Todays winning numbers are

“7, 6, 5, 4, 3.”

Thirty-eight million dollars

Are mine! All mine! Then…

My boss yells “you’re fired

“If you doze off again.”

All these hours

And finally an excuse…

No need for such abuse…

Time to take another snooze…

On the night shift.

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September 7, 2017 · 9:03 pm

An Anthem For Literally Everywhere

My country is beautiful

Full of water, land, and sky,

Led by sociopathic imbeciles

Who claim to give a shit for you and I.

My country’s beautiful,

A land of both of friendship and romance;

A land whose population is primarily

The offspring of those who can’t keep it in their pants.

My country is exceptional in one way

And mostly mediocre in the rest

And although I cannot cite a reason

I’m thoroughly convinced it is the best!

So once again we praise this lovely nation

Via trite and yet inspiring bits of song

Imposed upon us by slave-driving overlords

(Who, by the way, are never, ever wrong). 

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May 5, 2017 · 8:24 pm

Unforgettable Love

Tick tock!

I see her walk

Down main street USA.

The passing time…

Her smile’s bright shine…

I hardly notice the gloomy day.

Tick tock!

I see her stop

And watch her turn my way.

Time feels so slow.

I’ve no place to go.

So glad I’ve got all day!

Hours, minutes,

Days and weeks;

The world is timeless

When she speaks.

Her endless sunset 

Lights my life.

What on Earth

Will I tell my wife?

Tick tock!

I see her socks.

They look a lot like mine.

Her lovely face…

Her classic grace…

The way she says “I’m fine…”

Tick tock!

Again she talks.

She calls my secret name.

It dawns on me

And soon I see…

Oh my God, how lame!

Hours, minutes,

Days and weeks;

The world is timeless

When she speaks.

Her endless sunset 

Lights my life.

Just realized…

She is my wife!

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March 23, 2017 · 12:36 pm

The Princess and the Tapeworm

We meet as if by fate

As quietly you chew your nails.

As the hour grows so late

We fall asleep and life falls off the rails.

Suddenly I’m in your head.

I listen to the signals your brain sends.

All of your nutrients are mine;

Your means will satisfy my ends!

You ate me up

And I’ll return the favor.

The taste of you’s

My brand new favorite flavor.

And now to you I sing this song

So you will never get me wrong:

I love you! You know it’s true

Even though I’m one inch long.

I hope you can digest the fact

I’ve gotten under your skin.

You’re losing weight, but just you wait

For our life together to begin!

Your pain is mine, and mine is yours.
I hope our love is true,

And even as you try to purge me

I’ll always have a special place inside of you.

You ate me up

And I’ll return the favor.

The taste of you’s

My longtime favorite flavor.

And now to you I sing this song

So you will never get me wrong:

I love you! You know it’s true.

By the way, I’m six feet long. 😉

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July 14, 2016 · 6:43 pm

You’re The Only One

When I look at you

I see the stars in your eyes,

Round and full of love

And the same blue as the sky’s.

I see your lips, so ruby red

That whisper sweet lies

And I know you’re the only one.

Your hair is like a waterfall

Caressing my cheek.

The joy I feel around you

Makes my eyes spring a leak.

If I could only find the words

I know that I’d speak

To tell you you’re the only one.

You’re the only one

Who brings color to my world,

Who’s cooler than the winter

And more lovely than the fall.

The only one so beautiful

I cannot believe

That I feel no attraction at all.

You have an angel’s heart

And a siren’s sweet voice.

My apathy towards you

Cannot be by choice.

Maybe it has to do

With how you say “nice” as “noice.”

Whatever reason, you’re the only one.

You might just be an angel

Spreading joy to the land

The light of the world flowing

From the palm of your hand.

In spite of your perfection

You simply must understand

That you’re literally the only one.

The only one that leaves me

Feeling dry in my pants,

Uninspired to sing

And unwilling to dance.

You’re like an inconsistent meter

From one stanza to the next,

Which perhaps is why, from me,

You always will go un-sexed.

You’re the only one

To walk across a fire for me.

You’re maybe my only true love,

Destined for all time is you and me.

And so as this song/poem

Finds itself so near it’s end

Know that literally everyone turns me on

But you’re the only “just a friend.”

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June 21, 2016 · 1:10 pm

On My Own Terms (The Cat Song)

You take me into your home.

You keep me inside and play with my hair.

You call me a pretty boy

Then you punish me. Baby, give me some air!

You say “call me master.”

I am your slave now.

But I’ll live on my own terms

And soon to me you’ll bow.

You thought you’d relax in the bathroom,

Have clean furniture and a new-house smell.

You forgot me in that equation.

Now I welcome you to nine lives in Hell.

You said “call me master.”

I just said “meow.”

But I’ll live on my own terms

So who’s the master now?

Now you call me master.

You’re little more than my serf.

Now you’ll live by my terms

Or get your ass off my turf!

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May 3, 2016 · 7:23 pm

Double-O Me

Chanel number five

When she comes home at night…

Something about it

Just doesn’t feel right.

She won’t catch my eye.

There’s a lie I can see.

This sounds like a job

For Double-O Me!

I’m spying on Wilson.

I hope it’s not John.

I’ve got to find out

Just what’s been going on.

My heart will stay broken

‘Til I find out the truth.

Time for Double-O Me,

The ultimate sleuth!

She doesn’t like Travis

And Alfred is a bore.

Ted’s not into women

And Pete is off at war.

Her other male friends

I cannot recollect 

So maybe the answer’s

Not what I expect?

I’m done spying on Wilson.

I know it isn’t John,

And still I have to wonder

Just what is going on.

My heart will stay broken

‘Til I find out the truth.

Yet more time for Double-O Me,

Still the ultimate sleuth.

I’ve gotten sick of lurking

And staking out my friends.

Now I’m hoping that the means

Will justify the ends.

I asked her “why the perfume?”

She said “It blocks the smell.

“I like pet-sitting Scruffy

“But he stinks like bloody hell!”

For sure it isn’t Wilson.

John was innocent too.

Turns out that my suspicions

Were anything but true.

My heart’s no longer broken,

But I’ve one more thing to do.

Next up for Double-O Me:

To give that dog a talking to.

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April 4, 2016 · 8:09 pm

“An Updated Classic” Or “Backstory”

It was one of those days

When you want apple pie

But the waitress is cute

And you’re just too shy.

It’s one of those days

To spend at the riverbank

But when you drive there, the water’s

All stuck in a tank.

You want to hang out

With men who are classy

But good guys are drunk, so you settle

For guys who’re half-assy.

And you and your half-assy

Friends you’ll soon see

Just sit around singing

About mortality.

Oh my my,

I missed the American pie.

Drove my chevy to the levy

But the levy was dry,

And the good old boys

Were drinking whiskey and rye.

Yeah, I guess this’ll be

The day that I die.

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February 24, 2016 · 11:51 am

Assault and Batteries

You said you knew

How to jump a car.

It sure wasn’t true…

You left a scar.

Red to black wire…

You expect to live?

I’ll have revenge you liar!

All I’ve got to give.
I’m Lyin’ on asphalt

Cursing at the stars.

You know it’s your fault!

There’s no time for flattery;

You assaulted my battery.
There’s a surprise

Right under your hood.

When your starter dies

It won’t sound good.

I saw your face.

It looked really dour.

I put you in your place

‘Cause I’ve got the power.
You’re lyin’ on asphalt

Cursing at the stars.

You know it’s your fault.

There’s no need for flattery.

I assaulted your battery.
(Instrumental bridge with sirens)
We’re face down on asphalt

Cursing at their stars.

It’s both of our faults…

No cops like flattery.

We both got charged

For assaulting the batteries.

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January 25, 2016 · 6:35 pm

Morning Sax

When I wake up in the morning

And look at your sleeping face

I feel like I’ve got everything,

Just like J.P. Morgan Chase.

I know that you’re still sleeping.

Makes sense, ’cause it’s 5:03,

But I just have to surprise you

With the greatest part of me,

And so I whip out my saxophone

And lick the reed ’til it’s damp

Then it’s you and me at 5:03

And a cover of John Mellencamp.

I gave you morning sax!

Comso says it’s great.

I gave you morning sax

‘Cause funky just can’t wait.

I gave you morning sax!

I’d say that’s pretty fly.

I wanted you to say “Oh God yes!”

But I’ll settle for “Oh God, why?!”

When you wake up in the morning

And see my body lying prone

In a pool of hot red blood

Clutching my saxophone

At first you’re shocked and worried

But you throw some coffee down

And remember last night’s victory

As you drive into town.

And as I lie, still bleeding

From the opening in my head

I dream about tomorrow

When I’ll play Kenny G instead.

I’ll give you morning sax!

It’s better the second time.

I’ll give you morning sax!

I’m sure it will be fine.

I’ll give you morning sax!

Sure, it’s a taxing gig

But I just love that moment

When your eyes get so, so big!

I played for you the morning

Of the day I finally died.

When the doctor shared the news

I like to think you cried.

You told me you lack self-control

Before you are awake

And that any more at 5:04

Was more than you could take.

As you call the undertaker

And they ask if you will hold

I only hope that waiting music

Makes your heart a bit less cold.

Now you’ll hear mourning sax!

It don’t mean a thing.

Enjoy the mourning sax!

All you had to do was sing…

There’s no more morning sax!

Let that sink into your brain

As you take five, my satin doll,

Riding home on the “A” train…

(Fading out)
How long will it take to Bari me?
Tenor so minutes.
A little Charlie Bird told me.
I’m on a Coltrane to Hell.

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