Tag Archives: Songs

Brown-Eyed Girl [With Non-Violent Lyrics To Accommodate All Genders, Eye Colors, Geographic Locations, Ability Levels…]

Hey, where did we go
Days when the [weather happened]?
[Over] in the hollow
Playin’ a [mutually enjoyed] game.

Laughin’ and [a-movin’,] hey hey
[Via our unspecified motor abilities]
In the [typical morning environmental conditions] with
Our hearts a-[operating energetically’,] and you

My [human with eyes].
You’re [a strong, independent person with eyes].

And whatever happened
To Tuesday and so [relaxed]
Going down the [honored legacy repository location] with a
[Non gender-specific sibling audio device]?

[Present] in the [environment]! [self-expressin’]
Hidin’ behind a rainbow’s [vertical barrier]
Slippin’ and a-slidin’
All along the [local water feature] with you

My [individual with eyes].
You’re [a self-actualizing homo-sapien sapien with eyes].

Do you remember when
we used to [communicate]

Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da
(just like that)

Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da
La te da

So [challenging] to find my way

Now that I’m [pursuing self-defined success independently]
I [encountered] you just the other day
My, how you have [altered aspects of yourself without diminishing their quality]
Cast my memory back there, [authority figure]?

Sometimes I’m [very impressed] thinkin’ ’bout
[Consensual intimacy] in the green grass
Behind the [culture-neutral building] with you
My [specimin with eyes].
You’re [an entity possessing human shape platonically correlated with me, and you have eyes].

[Don’t be ashamed if you can’t, or choose not to ] remember when
we used to [extemporate]
Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da ([existin’] in the [local foliage]!)
Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da (bit by, bit by, bit by, bit by, bit
by, bit)
Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da (sha la la la la, la la la la, la te
da, la te da, la te da, da da da)
Sha la la, la la, la la, la la, l-la te da…

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Lent Carols

Silent bells, silent bells,

Silent all the way.

We’re not happy but at least

The priests don’t know we’re gay. Hey!

Silent bells, silent bells,

Silence for the win!

Here’s to seven weeks to stew

In our original sin!

Silent night, holy night.

Jesus ate not a bite.

Satan says “make that rock into bread.”

Jesus’s like “Naw, I’ll come back from the dead.”

Then he gave up Facebook!

(If you doubt it go read the good book).

On the first day of Lent

Jehovah gave to me…

Hot sand and misery!

On the second day of lent

Jehovah gave to me

No 🤬ing food

And some hot sand and misery!

On the third day of Lent

Jehovah gave to me…

(Use your imagination, we’ve got 38 more days of this 💩)!

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What Is Love? (Baby Don’t Hurt Me)

I inquired wherein

Lies the essence of love

As succinctly as I could

Whereupon my darling

Pummeled me

With a block of solid wood.

With a term of endearment

Once I begged

Then, without it, begged once more.

But while she had a way

I had only strength

To finish thus: No more!

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An Anthem For Literally Everywhere

My country is beautiful

Full of water, land, and sky,

Led by sociopathic imbeciles

Who claim to give a shit for you and I.

My country’s beautiful,

A land of both of friendship and romance;

A land whose population is primarily

The offspring of those who can’t keep it in their pants.

My country is exceptional in one way

And mostly mediocre in the rest

And although I cannot cite a reason

I’m thoroughly convinced it is the best!

So once again we praise this lovely nation

Via trite and yet inspiring bits of song

Imposed upon us by slave-driving overlords

(Who, by the way, are never, ever wrong). 

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NO! All 99 Verses Must Be Sung Or One Cannot Accurately Judge The Amount Of Beer Consumed!

I don’t mind your desire for completeness,

Your accuracy is sublime,

But couldn’t we just sing “et cetera”

And save ourselves trouble and time?

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Theme Song For An Upcoming Children’s TV Show

He’s big and pink and fluffy,

Endearing, round, and puffy.

He’s very seldom scruffy…

It’s Murderface the Roach!

He loves your hugs and kisses.

He asks “you know what this is?

“It’s your dead former missus”

Says Murderface the Roach!

He’s the most huggable

Large chitinous bug able

To strangle you

In an alley at night!

He’s at home in the hood

Though he’s misunderstood

But if you bring that up

Best be ready to fight!

He’s got a friendly guise

That to trust would not be wise

Because he’ll stab you in the eyes.

It’s muuuuuuur

Deeeeeeer

Faaaaaaaaace

Theeeeeeeee

Rooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaa!

Ch.

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“An Updated Classic” Or “Backstory”

It was one of those days

When you want apple pie

But the waitress is cute

And you’re just too shy.

It’s one of those days

To spend at the riverbank

But when you drive there, the water’s

All stuck in a tank.

You want to hang out

With men who are classy

But good guys are drunk, so you settle

For guys who’re half-assy.

And you and your half-assy

Friends you’ll soon see

Just sit around singing

About mortality.

Oh my my,

I missed the American pie.

Drove my chevy to the levy

But the levy was dry,

And the good old boys

Were drinking whiskey and rye.

Yeah, I guess this’ll be

The day that I die.

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Filed under Lyrics, Poems, Songs