It’s the summer time
And it isn’t snowing.
The house needs cleaning,
The grass meeds mowing.
There’s no place to park
And the clouds have gone gray
But my heart’s light and sunny
‘Cause I neuter and spay.
Category Archives: Poems
Because There Are No Celebrities Named Cow
I have a pet dog
Named “Bounty Hunter.”
I have a pet cow named “Hog.”
I’ve got to say
It’s easier
To find a good name for a dog.
Filed under Poems
Follow Your Heart
I heard that when uncertainty
About your future strikes
Examining what you avoid
Can lead you to your likes.
I tend to avoid everything
And like lying in bed
Writing jokes about the stuff
That’s running through my head.
I tend to avoid washing things,
Dishes and self included,
And consequently feel good
When I eat (get watered and fooded).
I like to be alone a lot.
I like the color orange.
I dislike thinking ahead
Which sometimes makes life hardyorange.
And so I have concluded
From my lifestyle and refinement
That I should pursue a career
In solitary confinement.
So if someone were so kind
As to frame me for a murder
I’d be grateful for all my life
And happy with my life’s direction-urder.
Filed under Poems
“I’ll try anything once”
“I’ll try anything once”
Is a dumb thing to say
Unless with great agony
You are okay.
Would you lick a jellyfish,
Sword fight with a shark
Or leave a mean youtube comment
About Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Would you drink from the gutter
Or go surfing in Maine?
Would you call someone Mexican
If you know they’re from Spain?
Would you go see “The Notebook”
Starring Jackie Chan?
Stick your head in the oven
And hope to get tan?
I hope my point’s proven
But if you still say “Yes”
Then try liking this poem
And go learn to play chess.
Filed under Poems
Question Everything
Grassy field,
Snowy chicken,
Sandy bug spray,
Yep to the tooth helpers.
Greedy locks mispelled rent
As goose.
This poem still makes more sense
Than the “share on twitter” link
On porn websites.
Filed under Poems
Why Grammar Matters
A world without adjectives
Would suck
But it wouldn’t be bad
Would blow
But it wouldn’t be sad
Would eat your soul
But not in a negative way.
A world without adverbs
Things happen,
People run
Other people run
Some are faster
But we’ll never know which.
A world without verbs
Blue, stagnant,
Highly descriptive,
Shorter than previous stanzas.
A world without nouns
Write this if you dare.
Filed under Poems
TMI?
I wanted to let you know
I wrote this poem on the toilet.
I thought it best to keep it brief
In case that secret did spoil it.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Spectacle
Some are pointing,
Some are staring,
But not a person
Is not caring.
“Who’s that guy?”
The women question.
The men ask for
Workout suggestions.
But as I look,
Trying not to leer,
I simply ask
“Why the mirrors here?”
Filed under Poems
Why I’d Make A Lousy Ghost
I try to be original
When compliments I make.
I try not to be boring
For the complimentee’s sake,
So purely inintentional
Was my word-choice slight.
Who knew “you’re an opaque one”
Was not thought as polite?
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 