Bacon is like Hell,
As I know all too well.
Both hurt in the end,
And the scars never mend,
But before all that, they’re swell!
Category Archives: Poems
Pictionary
He drew a pair of tentacles
And a rocket on its side
With a pair of spiny barnacles
Beneath a grey-black sky.
Barry shouts “it’s patriotism,”
And Andy says “That’s it!”
The rest of us just sit and stare,
And Laura says “well, shit.”
Feel-Good Movies
I want to see a movie
Unlike the Wizard of Oz
Where some guy from a magic world
Turns into a lost cause.
He’s trapped in a tornado
And carried to a place
Where the world is all in black and white
And munchkins hate his face.
He travels many miles
Down an unremarkable trail
To a city where a beurocrat
Says his journey’s doomed to fail.
It would be a dismal movie,
That makes you want to drink some Mace.
That said, I’m sick of “Game of Thrones”
And this could take its place.
Filed under Poems
Correlation
I think that caffeine
Is good for your spleen,
And I have evidence to back it up:
How often have you seen
Someone hurt a healthy spleen
While savoring something in a Starbucks cup?
Filed under Poems
Based on a True Story
Waiting at the DMV
Is not too bad for me.
Maybe it’s painful for you,
Not being “R362.”
As they serve R529
I continue to feel just fine.
Then they call up R360
And we’re one step closer to helping me!
A few minutes later R361.
I am almost having fun.
And then there’s R363.
Did they really just skip me?
I bring my ticket to the desk
And ask them straight-up, “what the hesk?”
They say to kindly sit and wait.
I’m now R758.
Filed under Poems
Research Paper
Wild chickens of the North;
Black and white, they sally forth.
Their wings are much akin to fins.
That much I know of penguins.
Filed under Poems
Aragorn’s Vacation
The sun shines down,
Hot as myself.
I lie on a beach
With a dwarf and an elf.
My shining armor
Makes Gondor girls swoon.
It’s been a long, happy day
And it’s only noon.
Somewhere near Mordor
They’re killing the ring
And I’m just here like,
“I should be king.”
Sometimes I think
I should go help them out,
But Gollum’s got that covered,
Without a doubt.
So I sip margaritas
And smile a bit wider.
Someone calls me “sir.”
I say “please, call me Strider.”
But as the days pass
I grow somewhat bored.
When will they be finished
Reforging my sword?
Filed under Poems
Wildflengths
A rose by other names
Smells the same.
But poems would be lame
If flowers had a different name.
There would not be “flower power”
But instead “flength strength.”
I might pick a dozen gwazzles
Or a bouquet of mength.
I think you get the point,
And I’m running out of time.
This poem wasn’t flengthy
And very easy to rhyme.
When Dreams Can’t Come True
Her grew up studying ninjitsu.
He thought it would be fun
To join the teenage mutant turtles,
But he was 21.
Filed under Poems
…But Were Afraid To Ask
I’ve heard something about women
That makes me incredulous,
That when women live together
They synchronize their monthly schedule. Is
This true, I wonder?
And if it’s truly so
If you need to adjust your “schedule”
Is their a place you can go
Where various dominant women
With different monthly climes
Charge money to reassign “events”
To more convenient times?
You say these clubs do not exist?
Should someone start one then?
If we don’t ask, we’ll never know.
Yours sincerely,
Men
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 