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Said she was Wonder Woman,
But she was the Hulk.
Category Archives: Poems
Something’s Fishy
If I were a fish
Swimming in the sea
I would look around with wonder
At all the life surrounding me.
I would stare at hermit crabs,
Their houses on their backs.
I would delight in flounders
In the deepest ocean black.
I would gaze upon the lobsters
With their rubber banded claws,
And upon the mermaids
In their little seashell bras.
I’d make fish-eyes at swimmers
And I’d maybe speak in whale.
I’d kill eater rats in the basement
‘Til I could level-up my tail.
And then when I was happy,
Experienced and strong
I’d bite down on a hook
And string a fisherman along.
But after my escape
I would not foresee
That the fisherman was angry
And had some TNT.
And so my final moments
Would be flashy and gory.
As I toss the dynamite from my boat
I tell myself this story.
Selling The Farm
As “My Little Pony” kids grow up
We must change our products, of course.
I’d like to propose a new toy line:
I call it, “My Big Ass Horse.”
It targets a new demographic
To break into a market we lack.
We’ll have all shapes and sizes of horses
In all colors, as long as they’re black.
We’ll distinguish this new product
From our competitors in this way:
These will be full-size, living horses
That you need to feed every day.
We can have spin-off products
Like “My cattle,” “my sheep,” “my mouse,”
“My dolphin,” “my armadillo,”
And, for those who like pigs, “my spouse.”
I know that this line will bring income
To our struggling toy company,
And I bring it to your attention
Because I have the inventory.
Filed under Poems
It made a Great Commemorative Mug Shot
The sign said “no trespassing,”
But I did.
The police came driving up,
So I hid.
The cops found me out,
So I lied.
They sent me off to prison,
Where I reside.
They ask “would you do it again?”
I say “yes.”
Were I smarter, I wouldn’t be
In this mess,
Because next time at Nasa
My face
Won’t be in the hole for
“Take your picture in space.”
Filed under Poems
Candy Mountain
There’s a monster hiding
In a mountain of sugar and fat.
It calls to me.
I cannot flee,
But I’m okay with that.
Filed under Poems
Love On Camera
I gazed into her eyes,
Though she thought I saw her chin.
I was mesmerized at once
By the pixels of her skin.
Until we sent those videos
I was not the romantic type,
But now I sit corrected.
I fell in love at first Skype.
Filed under Poems
The Checkup
No matter how you dress it up
I don’t like peeing in a cup.
I find it reprehensible
That they won’t say how full is “full.”
And so I leave the W.C
With three quarters of a cup of pee.
And now, have mercy lord above!
Where’s he going with that glove?
Filed under Poems
Taking Comfort Where You Can
On a day like today
You’re looking for a sign
That despite the past disasters
Everything will be fine.
Well as I sat, considering
My poem for today
I saw a candy cane, uneaten.
That makes me think I’ll be okay.
Filed under Poems
Let’s Talk About Mastication
It’s time to talk about
The pleasures of the flesh,
And our senses, touch and taste,
Can again be young and fresh.
I speak about excitement.
I speak of stimulation.
I speak about, of course,
The joy of mastication:
To place a bit of vibrancy
Inside one’s hungry maw
And caress it with the vigor
Of a gyrating human jaw.
I salivate for thinking
Of this thrice-daily delight,
For I masticate at morning
As well as noon and night.
And if I feel the hunger
Of my eternal human needs
I may masticate between meals
By enjoying my nuts and seeds.
And when I feel so lonely
And companionship I want
I go to town and masticate
At my choice of restaraunt.
Such exploits I do recommend,
For they are part of the human condition.
For those who are offended,
Go find mastication’s definition.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 