If you were a cow
I’d give you a moo.
If you were the floor
I’d take a picture of you.
If you were a quiz show
I’d hazard a guess,
But since you’re a human
I couldn’t care less.
Category Archives: Poems
Traffic Jam
I put some rubber on my toast
Along with smog and frustration,
Mixed with a soupsant
Of despair and irritation.
It wasn’t a great breakfast,
But I didn’t want to shirk,
So I had toast with traffic jam
On my way to work.
‘Murica!
This poem is short
And not very funny,
Just like tax day
And my new lack of money.
Filed under Poems
The Value Of A Missing Letter
Carved of granite, nine feet tall,
He stares down and calls you small.
If your likeness, he is an imitation.
He is your statue of limitation.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Three Day Weekend
I’m busy as an ugly hooker,
Yet I have no free time
To clean the house or exercise
Or come up with a requisite rhyme.
The lazy Sunday model
Is how every day should be.
I’m doing the same this Monday.
Let’s hear it: Who’s with me?
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
A Recipe For Disaster
A teaspoon of a crazy thought,
Two cups of your favorite beer,
A pinch of “well, it couldn’t hurt”
Absolutely zero fear.
Filed under Poems
Entertainment Budget
I called a 1-900 sex line
Out of curiosity.
I was informed my telephone
Would be charged a rather high fee.
I did the math and budgeted;
Eighty seconds is all I could be on.
So I pressed “pound” (and chuckled)
And got ready for a marathon.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Wisdom?
Treasure thy body
Above thy mind.
Brains can go shoddy,
But not dat behind.
Filed under Poems
The Shameless Plug
Although at first glance
He was a ball of hair,
And like “Sex, Lies, and Poetry”
He had an unapologetic air.
The hairball plugged my shower
And made the water stay
Like laughter at a poetry book
Or homeless guys at a KOA.
The shameless plug held water
So I was forced to buy Drano.
It cost me almost $5.99.
What a fantastic low price! Whoa!
So now my shower drains just fine.
The shameless plug has fled.
Now I’m happy and clean, and my only wish
Is to read some funny poems in bed.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Hunger Games
I did an activity in a setting
That evokes a novel mood,
Then you you see my way of life
And my love interest dude.
Then it’s all turned upside down
In this young adult dystopia,
And I have to kill some children
Packed inside a cornucopia.
Eventually I win the games,
Then I go back my fam.
Then I go on a victory tour
In a super-high-tech tram.
I see some starving people
And they kiss their fingers at me.
I say some stupid, honest stuff
And hope they’ll let me be.
Alas, I’m wrong, and the mean white guy
Puts me back in the game.
I bust out with an arrow.
A shoddy forcefield’s to blame.
I find myself deep underground
Amidst a rebel plot,
And I get to dress up like a bird
And get the rebels hot.
We fight a war and sort of win
(‘Cause lots of people die).
Then I marry love interest
And bid you all good bye.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 