If you miss a manicure
You may mot feel remorse.
But then, just you imagine
You were riding on a horse.
You granbed the reins and kicked your heels,
But the horse, it gave a buck
‘Cause it knew your nails were bland.
Yeah, that would kinda suck.
Category Archives: Poems
Childish Dreams
As a child I planted bacon
To grow a bacon tree.
The others said it wouldn’t work,
But I said “wait and see.”
Summers passed and kids gree up.
The soil, it stayed flat.
My friends got educations,
But I’d no time for that.
Some guys got jobs and girlfriends.
I stuck with my feat though,
‘Cause one of these days my dreams will come true
And I will see my meat grow.
Filed under Poems
Gandalf
We’ve traveled weeks to Rivendell.
That much of our journey went pretty well.
A few weeks more to Moria.
And still still we were singing “Gloria.”
Now here we are at Mount Doom,
All out of sausage and Stevia.
We’re here to throw the ring in the fire.
This is where I leave ya.
Filed under Poems
Senior Year
The year I raised the 4H deer
Were the best days of my life.
Not only did I eat really well,
But I met my future wife.
She was a doe-eyed sophomore
Who smelled of smoke and beer.
She’s still my favorite cousin.
Good mem’ries, senior year.
Filed under Poems
Victorious Secret
Hope and honor,
Faith and love:
These are yours
When you rise above.
So keep moving ahead
If only by little bits.
And for those who won’t,
Here’s to Friday and tits!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Buying Lays
Money’s not a good way
To get her in the sack,
But it’s pretty darn effective
If you want to buy a snack.
Filed under Poems
Don’t Press “A,” Don’t Press… Oops
I think that just before we’re born
We make like a video game;
We design our skills and appearances
And even pick our name.
I have evidence for my theory,
And you are my best case
‘Cause your fingers tend to slip a lot
And, well, look at your face!
Filed under Poems
Already Been Chewed
I’ve been under your table.
I’ve been under your chair.
I’m a fixture in public bathrooms
And in little children’s hair.
You can find me on city sidewalks
From America to France.
Won’t you pick me up again
And give me a second chance?
Filed under Poems
Lone Survivor
I was driven this afternoon
To Lazy Susan isle
Where I hoped my friends and I
Could make our masters smile.
Alas, on our arrival
Our happy plan went wrong.
Our masters ate poor Jell-o,
And our fair Hostess, Ding-Dong.
I heard the screams of ice cream,
And the dying shrieks of cake.
I heard the moans of lady fingers
(Though I think those were fake).
How I survived I do not now,
But I’m alive to sing this ballad
Of the Lazy Susan massacre.
Yours truly,
Kale Salad
The Daily Travesty 