Granite eyes and iron shoulders
And biceps built by crushing boulders.
He’s head to toe a man of steel
And he’s going to make you an exclusive deal!
For the modest price of fifty D’s
You can have the world fall on their knees
To worship and serve you as you please.
Let’s hear it for online pharmacies!
Filed under Poems
Three is a crowd,
Two is a fight,
One feels lonely,
One-point-five is just right.
If you need point five, call me please.
I know a lot of amputees.
Filed under Poems
Yesterday we witnessed
The biggest day of sports,
Which makes all the cups and series
Completely out of sorts.
It had been hyped for months
By that unbiased ad
Run by one guy, who says the other
Is really, really bad.
In yesterday’s match, two teams
Faced off to see just who
Got the pleasure of controlling
Their State, Country, and You.
The elephants and donkeys
Kicked and spat and grrred
And threw mud at each other
As if mud were an angry bird.
And then the fans arrived
To dance around the polls
While others searched on Google
For nearby grassy knolls.
The match begins! The ballots flow!
Single lines are drawn!
Proposed measures are considered!
The game continues on.
And at the end both teams will claim
That it is they who won the game.
Then it’s done; That’s all she wrote.
Aren’t you glad you got to vote?
I own a celebrity gun range
Just minutes from D.C.
It’s a place for visiting stars to come
Shoot a gun or a movie.
So if you’re in the city
And you want to kill someone
Just come down to the Shooting Star
And shoot like you’re someone!
Filed under Poems
First Monday of November:
The very special day
When thousands of aspiring writers
Throw NaNoWriMo dreams away.
Filed under Poems
Home is where the heart is,
So the saying goes.
It’s a saying that was the cause
Of all my earthly woes.
Then I met some zombies,
And they were pretty slick
‘Cause they made my home
Inside of their stomach.
So I was on vacation
For the first time ever,
Although looking back, my “life”
Wasn’t part of the endeavor.
It took guts to free myself,
And I’d love to share the wealth.
Please tell me your address,
Because undeath’s good for your health.
Filed under Poems
Today’s November first,
Which is National Candy Day.
You celebrate it by getting sick
And throwing your diet away.
You’ve tasted the rainbow plenty,
And if your pee isn’t purple yet
You can drive down to the grocer
For surplus, cheap as shet.
Today you do not feel guilt.
Just ignore the nausea,
Because capitalism depends on you
And post-costume nostalgia.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
On this costumed Friday night
Prepare for that horrific sight
Of children walking down the street,
Threatening those who give no treat.
They’ve covered faces so you can’t see
Who are the ghouls you must ID,
And if they wear a “Frozen” dress
There are too many kids to guess.
So I placed upon my lawn
A maw to gape and a portal to yawn
To terrify all children who
Thought me a target of their coup.
I thought my safety was a sure thing.
Then the doorbell gave a ring.
‘Twas the Fantastic Four
Minus “the Thing.”
I thought to tell them “go away,”
But I knew TP would be my pay,
So I opened up my chocolate stash
And let the heroes loot my cache.
The sun had set, the clouds were gone
And the mob raged on and on.
Soon I’d no chocolate to give,
And I prayed that through the night I’d live.
Then eight soft footsteps reached my door
The doorbell rang, I knew for sure
My time had come, my fate was clear
As I opened the door for a herd of deer.
“Trick or Treat” the children shrieked,
As their loot bags bulged and noses leaked.
I handed out four boxes of floss,
And resigned myself to serenity’s loss.
What I didn’t know was just how fast
That heard of deer got the word passed
That the beige-house-guy on the grass knoll
Was some sort of a dentist… Mole.
And thus the mob departed fast,
And I had my peace at last.
I fall asleep and dreams appear
Of the toothbrushes I’ll give next year.
Whenever that old writer’s block
Come upon my head to knock
You get a poem like yesterday’s
“You’re Welcome.”
After which poetic guilt
Covers me like the Nile’s silt
And I feel like I need to raise
Some Hell-come.
So I wrote this poem today
In my un-artistic way
To compensate for the shortness of
“You’re Welcome”
By challenging my self
(Though I didn’t do very welf)
By rhyming every ending line
With “Welcome.”
The Daily Travesty published one “poem” every day.
Tune in tomorrow for the poem,
“I’m sorry for apologizing, and this time I rhyme with ‘orange.'”
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Daily Travesty 