Tonight my pipes were in trouble
Because they’d broken the law.
The cops spotted their getaway
And shouted “There! Haha”
And then the cops made a booboo
As they called to the pipes in the night:
They shouted “Freeze!” and now
There’s no water to shower tonight.
Filed under Poems
The waitress took our order
With a smile on her face
And then apparently decided
To desert the human race.
More than half an hour later
We’ve killed a pitcher of beer.
Our senses are still present
Though the help has disappeared.
It’s midnight at the bar,
Then it’s one here at the grill.
Our belly’s good and empty
But our hope is holding still.
We’re waiting on our sandwich
And it’s 2025,
And the chef has just confirmed
That the waitress is alive.
My beard is grey, my hair is gone,
I drool and shift and snore…
Then the waitress comes out smiling
And she says “Five minutes more.”
Filed under Poems
I’m basically a werewolf
But instead of being transformy
When the full moon rises
I get very horny.
The other difference
Between a werewolf and my ways
Is that I’m also were-horny
The other 28 days.
Filed under Poems
A missionary and his doggy
Went to town via 69th street.
This poem would be longer
But I don’t know grownup sheet.
How many does it take to change me
The humans like to ask
To amuse themselves at my expense
While in my light they bask.
They love me not for what I am
But only what I do
And so I ask: Need I be changed
Or should the change be you?
Filed under Poems
There once was a team called the Bears
Who thrust my clan into despairs.
They sucked at a sport,
But so do my cohort
So at the end of the day, who cares?
Filed under Poems
We’ve got our boots and fresh white snow.
We’re in the car and off we go!
We’re gonna ski until the sun
Is dark, we’re cold, and then we’re done.
We’re going to slide across the ice
First left, then right, a swish, a slice,
Until we say “I’ve got this, ace!”
That’s when we’ll fall right on our face.
We’re wet and weak, our feet are sore.
We cannot ski a minute more.
We’re in the car, a happy mess
And that’s how we define success.
Filed under Poems
I am in a cabin
Eating French fries with my wife.
Poetry is great and all
But then again so is my life.
Filed under Poems
If I had a hippo
You wouldn’t gimme no lip, yo.
But I’ve got an elephant
And you’re just like “omg, can’t.”
So I just bought a rat,
So have fun with that
As I pull out my gator
And say “see ya later.”
Filed under Poems
There once was a suburban dad
Who was a most serious lad.
He never told jokes
To his kids or his folks
And because of that they all were sad.
Now that you feel sufficiently guilty…
What did the dog say to the octopus?
I like bones.
Get it? ‘Cause he’s a dog?
Laugh, or I’ll read you the limerick again…
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 