I’m writing another book
For Valentine’s Day this year
But I also hate advertising
So yeah… I was never here.
Category Archives: Poems
High Resolutions
New year, new you?
You do that too?
So that makes two
Of us. Who knew!
New year, new me
Is how I see
My future will be
Until January 3.
Then new year’s old
Or so I’m told
So I’ll put on hold
My plans so bold.
Filed under Poems
Is This My Moana Lisa?
In halcyon hours, my maiden and me
Become one with each other until
Through effort and grace we lie face to face
As nature concludeth its will.
Then I am afflicted with such a condition
Where my brain is in tune with my bowels
And for hours after I know only laughter
And I can speak only in vowels.
Or to put it another way…
Iayohouyaieae
Eoeoeieaoeui
Oueoaaeeieaeoae
Aaueoueii.
EIaaieiuaoiio
Weeyaiiiueiyowe
AohouaeIooyaue
AIaeaoyiowe.
Filed under Poems
When It Snows On Your Parade?
I used to have a whole bunch of dice
But I can’t find two of them now.
I suppose that means it’s a pair o’ dice lost?
(Yes, this is a pun. Anyhow…)
Filed under Poems
Would You Consider Him To Be A Jerk?
There once was a poet from Newark
Who never finished his work.
Even though it’d be easy
He was just that cheesy.
Filed under Poems
Deterrent or Solution? How About Both!
If everyone had nuclear missiles
And lacked all self control
The internet would be a more peaceful place
And that is a most noble goal.
Filed under Poems
The Gen Alpha Song
I was born too late for a peaceful life,
Born to a woman who was not a wife,
Raised by a screen and a TikTok star
With no life skills but a brand new car.
My first day of school was in my bedroom.
I made new friends with the help of Zoom.
My kindergarten cred was instantly blown
‘Cause I’m five years old but using last year’s phone.
I can’t read yet and that won’t change soon
‘Cause Alexa can read me Good Night Moon,
My browser can do homework for me
Thanks to indifferent teachers and a GPT.
By 2050 we’ll be on the presidential stage
Campaigning for a million dollar minimum wage
So better get some rizz unless you’ve got gyat
‘Cause here we come world, ready or not.
Filed under Poems
Apparently “Cosby-Cola” Is Not An Appropriate Suggestion
Our market research team said
Flavors that combine two fruity flavors
Like “strawberry-kiwi” and “lemon-lime”
Are massive money savers.
They asked us all to pick a pair
Of fruity tastes to try.
I suggested “date-grape”
And now I’m fired. They won’t say why…
Filed under Poems
My Stocking Is Stuffed And My Belly Is Too
Today it was Christmas
And Christmas was done.
This poem is only smaller
Than my desire to go for a run.
Filed under Poems
Side Effects Include Non-Sequiturs And Academic Integrity
The trees are all decked
With ornaments grand,
The stockings are stuffed
And the peaches are canned,
The sweatshirts are laundered
And the clouds are thundering
And the ointment is working
In case you were wondering.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 