If I were a flamingo, um…
You wouldn’t be reading this poem.
If I were a beaver
You wouldn’t be reading it either.
If I were a yak
You’d have the last 10 seconds back.
But alas I am a human
So if you want to sue me, you can.
Pollination in NPC-Ville
I walk in the white flower garden,
One block of peace
In a mountain of steel,
Glass, smoke, and grease.
The flowers have tattooed
Their white petals brown,
Exposed their stems
For a night on the town.
They speak of old flowers
Who once shared their bed,
How far their particular
Pollen has spread.
You can watch how they wilt
While they boast that they thrive
And you wonder why bees
Opt to stay in the hive.
Filed under Poems
Rescue Animal Used Bite: It’s Super Effective!
The animal lovers called it
“A barbaric dog fighting cabal.”
I called it “Well meaning people
“Who haven’t discovered Pokemon Go.”
Take that vegans!
Filed under Poems
No One Has Ever Made This Joke Bef…
Even though I can’t
Count syllables properly
I can still write hai…
Filed under Poems
In Related News: Sally’s Seashell Sell Did Not Go Well
If a player kicks a keeper
And the team won’t throw him out
Then you keep the keeper-kicker
And the kicked-keeper loses clout
But when the keeper-kicker seeks
To eat the kippers that he picked
He finds the kicked-keeper’s keepers
Had the aforementioned kippers nicked.
So the keeper who was kicked
And the keeper-kicker keep
Debating whether the kipper-nicker
Could be safely called a creep.
Meanwhile, the kipper-nicker
Reveals the kippers from his knickers,
Looks upon the bickering keeper
And his kicker and he snickers.
Filed under Poems
Jews In Mississippi
He showed us how to circumcise a redneck
In a way that none of us had done foresaw:
He found aforementioned redneck in his bedroom
Then kicked the redneck’s cousin in the jaw!
Filed under Poems
Unsung Legends
Hercules is strong
But what about Hiscules?
Bunch of sexist greeks…
Filed under Poems
She Likes Funny Men
She asked “You know what makes me smile?”
I said “Muscles in your face.”
She hasn’t smiled for a while
And says she Needs some space…”
Filed under Poems
A Vegetarian In Texas
I asked the waitress for tofu.
I thought that she was cute
Until she brought me a dildo
And said “Here’s your meat substitute.”
Filed under Poems
Sharing Is Caring
If your roommates are loud
And you want them to hush
Just say “Hey roomie,
“Where’d you put our toothbrush?”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 