Fireworks yesterday.
House is still there.
Slept in ’til eleven.
Didn’t even care.
Walked through a dark alley.
Suffered no attack.
I’m curious though
When complete sentences come back.
Not The Queen’s English
A whole bunch of scores ago
Some British people got on a boat.
They came and taxed our tea, and so
The Constitution did get wrote.
The British guys thought a big red jacket
Would be the perfect camouflage.
Alas, their soldiers couldn’t hack it
And had not been trained to dodge.
And so we yankees won the war
And conquered all the Earth.
At the public school I learned this lore.
Hurray for America’s birth!
Deal Breaker?
What makes the tears of spiders?
What hides under monsters’ beds?
What makes slime and death and taxes
Put a pillow over their heads?
What makes a cold front shiver?
What makes Hell’s denizens sweat?
I wondered about the answer
Until I met my girlfriend’s pet.
Filed under Poems
Entrepreneurship in the Global Warming Era
Somebody stole my lemonade stand.
I’m not sure how it was done,
But without my main source of income
I was not having very much fun.
Lucky for me, global warming
Made this heat wave quite an ordeal,
And I comforted folks with my fried egg stand,
‘Cause the sidewalk’s much harder to steal.
Filed under Uncategorized
The Big Winner
I won! I won! I actually won!
I won the lottery!
In the next few days, a ten-dollar check
Will be mailed straight to me!
You’ve no idea how much joy
Through which my heart has went.
That ticket was the best twenty bucks
I think I’ve ever spent.
Filed under Poems
Launch, Pt. 1
Good morning to most of my readers!
Good afternoon to the few!
It’s a beautiful day in travesty land,
And I’m going to share it with you.
Today, I launch my book, “America:
“Land of the (Buy One, Get One) Free.”
For those who accepted my promotion,
You’ll soon get a free gift from me.
Here’s a link to the finished product,
Where you can get in in time
For your Fourth of July celebration
And at very minimal dime.
And for my non-American readers,
Thanks for putting up with this post.
You should buy the book too, ’cause it’s funny.
(It’s the truth, not merely a boast).
And for those lovely readers of mine
Who just come here for the funny,
Today’s poem is coming after I am through humming
And hopping around like a bunny.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Fear Itself
My mind is hot and swirling
Like my brain is in the dryer.
I try and try to calm myself,
But blood pressure gets higher.
I’m schooled in meditation,
But can’t think of what they teach,
Because tonight I have to give
A seven minute speech.
I’ve written out my note cards
(On paper and in the cloud).
I’ve proofread it a hundred times
And read it all out loud.
Yet my heart beats, my palms sweat,
And the world feels surreal
Because, for my seven minute speech,
I’ve four minutes if mater’al.
And so I am rewriting,
Adding anecdotes and facts,
Undoing all my “control-Z’s”
And redacting my “redacts.”
And as my fevered fingers run
Like the witch chases Gretel and Hansel
I’m giving a seven-minute prayer
That they have to call and cancel.
Filed under Poems
He Loves His Work
My best friend is a hired gun.
At first I thought his job was fun,
But changed my mind when came the year
He worked the job as a volunteer.
Filed under Poems
Dixie-Doodle Dandy
If I were a cowboy
With a six-gun on my hip,
I’d be careful when in a saloon,
‘Cause it would be bad to trip.
I’d keep my buddies close to me
And my enemies far away,
And I’d treat my horse real good
So with me she would stay.
I’d steer clear of the Indians,
But identify with their plight.
I hope they wouldn’t judge me
For having been born white.
I’d probably fly a confederate flag,
But just to avoid making waves.
You might think it’s sort of lame,
That this ain’t how a cowboy behaves.
But if I were a cowboy
With my six-gun handy,
I’d probably vote for gun control.
Dixie-Doodle Dandy.
The Simple Life
Steve the fish lived in a dish
(A bowl, to be precise).
He shared his private windowsill
With two ex-lab mice.
When the mice stopped eating cheese,
Steve was not perturbed.
When they sprouted fangs and wings
He still was not disturbed.
And when the ex-lab mice escaped
To terrorize the Earth
Steve swam in circles happily
And reminisced about his birth.
And when the Earth went up in flames
And did finally dissappear,
Steve the fish was satisfied
With his one long, happy year.
Filed under Poems
