Next day shipping,
Overnight,
Two day ground,
One day flight.
With all these options
In the mix
Why’d two-day shipping
Still take six?
Tipping Point
Twenty-five percent at breakfast,
And again for lunch and dinner.
It’s come as no surprise
That I am getting thinner.
Five dollars to the bus driver,
Ten dollars for the maid,
A fifty dollar dinner
If I’m wanting to get laid.
I’d tip my chiropractor,
But that isn’t apropos.
Sometimes I tip a homeless guy
I do not even know.
As you can see, I am
A very easy tipper.
Here’s a buck for reminding me
To examine my zipper.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Voyage to the Mall
The fruit loomed above me
As I Dockered the ship
On some Banana Republic
That smelled of Geoffrey Bean dip.
I rubbed my old fencing wound
Out of sight of the fella’s
That I got when I failed
A parry with Ellis.
The weather was silky,
A tres Calvin Clime,
And this old Navy man
Filled his coconut with lime.
But after I’d dithered
For three stanzas or so
I purchased some stuff.
That’s how shopping trips go.
The Cards Don’t Lie
In my past life I drove a truck,
Was good-looking and funny,
And helped to build the pyramids.
I think that gypsy stole my money…
Miss’ng Someth’ng
Just because you shouldn’t
Doesn’t mean you can’t.
You can write down “shalln’t”
Even though it should be “shan’t.”
You can rob a bakery,
Though prudent be, it wouldn’t,
And if you weren’t successful there
Argue with the cops you couldn’t.
I learned these things and many more,
And whether I should’ve or shouldn’t
You can’t and shan’t and shouldn’t say
I ain’t too good a stud’nt.
Filed under Poems
Made in China?
I took a trip to the great wall
On my quest to see it all.
I enjoyed myself a bit more than a little.
Stupid you might call it,
But I’m afraid I left my wallet
Somewhere between the ending and the middle.
To make up for such bad luck
I had to make a buck
To get back to my home, off in Regina.
That’s how the story goes:
To solve my money woes
I was forced to be a maid in China.
Filed under Poems
The Matrix
When you tire of food
And water’s a bother,
And you’re sick of your family,
Mother and father,
Then I have an answer
To counter your blues.
I call it “The Matrix,”
And here’s what it do’s.
It’s like a computer
That simulates life,
But blocks out the pain,
The traffic, the strife.
To get it, submit
To some gentle time thieves,
Who’ll plug you right in
Beside Keanu Reeves.
So is time in the Matrix
What you want to do?
Is that so? I guess “no”
Is a fine answer too.
Fireworks
A gust of wind,
A crashing boom,
And color fills the sky:
Experiencing
A firework
That blew for you and I.
A puff of light,
A blaze of smoke,
A deafening silence too:
Experiencing
The firework
That knew better than to blew.
Filed under Poems
The Travesty Continues
Here it is: The final day.
The year that was will fade away.
With this poem I complete my goal
To write a poem a day, each somewhat droll.
And so completed, I look ahead
From the unfair comfort of my bed.
I feel happy and somewhat zen,
And I think I’ll do it all again!
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Better Than #2
If “penultimate” means second to last,
And Pennsylvania is not as cool
As Transylvania of the past,
We have confirmed a rule:
“Pen,” the prefix, implies lesser status.
Now I, being a man with taste
Have used the pencils advertised at us
Even though that’s apparently a waste.
I think public education
Could improve the endowment of skill
If we reduced frustration
And gave our kids a cil.
Let’s make our schools the very best:
Use a #1 cil on standardized tests!
Filed under Poems
