January 18, 2015 · 11:08 am

Ode to an iPhone

You tell me how much time I waste
And predict my musical taste.
You hold my apps. My photos too.
Where would “i” be without you.

You give me guidance when I’m lost.
You’re worth my monthly data cost.
When I’m lonely on the road
I swipe to wake you and enter my code

And there I am! Right back at home.
In a pinch, you’re a mirror for my comb.
You light the darkness, check my mail,
Encourage me to “play again” when I fail.

You’ll be with me night and day.
To all your thoughts I’ll click OK.
So phone of mine, I cannot lie:
You are the Apple of my “i.”

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January 17, 2015 · 9:38 am

I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butterfly

I wanted to collect butterflies,
But mom and dad said no.
I said “I’ll collect margarin flies instead.”
I sure told them so!
So here I’m sitting with my net
Wondering “where did they all go?”

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January 16, 2015 · 7:36 am

That Wasn’t Chicken

I wanted fried rice
At a very low price
Because I was poor and young.
What other excuse
Would I have for the use
Of a menu from “Meow Tse Tung.”

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January 15, 2015 · 9:00 am

The Butler

A monocle, a violin,
A fancy tailcoat.
I held a tray the British way
And never did I gloat.

A ball and chain, a little cot,
A fancy jumpsuit too.
Everyone thinks I’m guilty,
And I bet that you do too.

So now I’m serving “Chef’s Surprise”
In the prisoners’ cafe.
And with each bow I think of how
To escape, the British way.

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January 14, 2015 · 6:51 am

The Last Amiable Sheriff

Hi there partner!
I’m Sheriff Steve.
I like riding on my pony
To deter those who thieve.

I only carry a gun
For shooting bottles at the quarry,
But if that makes you nervous
Then I assure you, do not worry.

Because Sheriff Steve has other ways
Of detaining unlawful sorts:
A friendly smile, a stern “now, now,”
And some more witty retorts.

There’s little crime in this town of mine
So I’m doing a good job.

These were the last words of Sheriff Steve
As he greeted Outlaw Bob.

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January 13, 2015 · 8:42 am

Single Parents

Creatures from the valley
And monsters of the sky
Meet once a year to celebrate
Somewhere around Shanghai.

They talk about their differences
And play some volleyball
And dance around a shooting star
And drink until last call.

Then they find a human folk
And roast them o’er the flame,
Because they’re monsters after all;
To not do so would be lame.

And having eaten, sinned, and all
They fly and dig back home.
Dad said that’s where mama went.
He read it in a tome.

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January 12, 2015 · 6:41 am

Not Feeling It

There were ducks in the lake,
Mosquitos in the sky,
Sun in the forecast,
And a twinkle in her eye.

She smiled at me sweetly,
So I pushed her in the lake.
Sometimes those happy people
Are just too much to take.

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January 11, 2015 · 10:54 am

That Time When You Flew

Helicopters come and go,
Planes take off and land.
Passengers arrive who do not know
That liquids and gels are banned.

Luggage is checked, and backgrounds too.
Personal items are stowed.
Some poor guy who’s flying back
Finds out his car was towed.

Flight attendants welcome you
And give a safety spiel.
A can of juice and pretzel mix
Will be your evening meal.

Now far from home you have arrived
At where planes take off and land,
And you find the luggage that you checked
Did not arrive as planned.

You take a cab to your hotel
Where everything’s in place,
From hygiene stuff in plastic wrap
To art that’s in your face.

You stay a week and do your job
(Or relax. That’s ok too).
And then come home to talk about
That one time when you flew.

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January 10, 2015 · 11:45 am

Econ 400, Minute 1

Via obfuscatory principles
And derivative pomp
It is my imperative to greet you
To my academic romp,

Wherein the equilibrium,
Elasticities, and curves
Shall give M. Night Shyamalan
Envy of my topical swerves.

I do hope to saturate you
In the ways of Bayes and Nash
While displaying free-market principles
By trading good grades for cash.

Please infer your syllabus,
Or you shan’t this lecture win.
Now, like a prisoner’s dilemma,
To start, we must begin…

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January 9, 2015 · 9:10 am

Throwing It Down

Fruit and soup
Adorn the floor.
Guess baby’s not hungry
Anymore.

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