You remember that one guy in high school
Who really, REALLY, loved to talk
About how chinchillas reproduce
And the unpublished music of Bach
And no matter how incorrect he was
Or how bored you happened to be?
That guy is every political discussion
In 2023.
If you cannot speak kindly
Do not speak at all.
If you have no knowledge
It’s best to be quiet.
If you’re awesome, just zip it.
If you’ve a story, just skip it.
Shutting up is amazing…
Please try it!
Little mouse
In our house
Upsetting my future spouse
Makes me decide
Mouse genocide
May very well be justified.
There once was a CO detector
That was meant to be a home protector.
It beeps loudly at night
Though the battery’s alright
So I hit it with an axe and wrecked ‘er!
If you think you need
To drive a faster speed
When your car’s ahead of mine
Then all is good and fine.
If you would go faster
When behind me, I’m your master.
Yes, that makes me a jerk
But oh boy does it work!
I spent weeks building my mansion,
A perfect family house
Where I can raise my children.
Despite my lack of a spouse.
But then you came and ruined it,
Just smashed it with your face
And then you said it’s my fault?
You’re a great disgrace!
It took me lots of time and silk
To spin my home, and sure
It’s exactly at eye-level for you
And right on your front door…
But still! You should apologize!
What’s that? You won’t? Well then
I guess I’ll have to get revenge
By crawling on you when you sleep again…
The world is fine, mostly alright,
With occasional bits of blight.
I’m decently fed and slept okay
And nothing much got in my way.
The weather’s cool, the sports are going,
The mountain’s tall, the river’s flowing
And I’m just here like “Okay,
“But can I please sulk anyway?”
There was a time without taxes,
A time without corporate spying,
And if you believe the Bible there was
A time without even dying.
But one timeless thing that has always been
Through every era and age
Is that no gym will ever show
Non-promotional prices on their front page.
Sometimes people do something
That cannot be forgiven:
That is something that is always true.
For example, they’ll remind you
That you are consciously breathing
And now you’re nervous. Lala loopdey do.
The sky was cool and starry blue,
The Earth a pool of morning dew,
Abuzz with life of every shape,
From bug to bird to dog to ape.
One bit of life upon the Earth
Was a normal child of human birth
Who’d celebrate each dawning day
With the joyous sound of childish play.
He was no bird; He could not fly,
And yet he was intent to try.
He’d leap from couch to bed to floor
Until his muscles flew no more.
He was no bug; He could not crawl
Upon a roof or stalwart wall,
But in the calm before the dawn
He, undeterred, would skitter on.
He was no dog; He could not bark,
But made his home a sort of park
In which to howl in youthful glee
In the apartment above me.
He was no ape; He ought to know
His acts impact the room below.
I smell his breakfast on the breeze:
Bacon, toast, and antifreeze…
The Daily Travesty