I have to go to bed soon
And wake up before quarter-to-noon
And then drive my car
And not get a gold star
And I can’t even watch a cartoon!
Tag Archives: Bad
The Bar Is Low
As she slid the dollar bill
Between my boxers and my abs
I came to the conclusion
Grandma shouldn’t have opened a tab.
The Best Revenge Is A Fifth Grade Band Student
Blow ye trumpet!
Blow yer horn
From sunset ‘til
Tomorrow morn’.
Bugle brightly
As if in labor
For I’m out of town
And I hate my neighbors!
Filed under Poems
Yet Another Tinder Success
She was skinnier than the toilet paper
They gave me in the slammer.
Her favorite flavor of potato chip
Was probably “Arm and Hammer.”
She weighs 90 pounds in flip-flops
And half as much without
And her hair was like the love child
Of silly string and sauerkraut.
When I picked her up at 7:00
I mistook her for her Pomeranian.
Turns out she was trilingual:
English, Klingon, and Albanian.
We went to see a movie:
“Alvin the Chipmunk meets Baby Shark.”
I’m not saying I’m desperate
But I think I felt a spark!
Filed under Poems
That One Episode Of Whatever Sci-Fi Show Had The Right Idea
I think we should legalize drugs
And make them free with dosage immense;
Everyone who wants drugs will be happy
And then die. I just think it makes sense!
Filed under Poems
Forget Centaurs…
I asked my friend “If you could mix
“Any two animals, what would you choose?”
He said “The body of a human
“And the spirit of a goose.”
At first I thought him silly,
Maybe even a little dumb,
But now I think he’s a wizard
And I know where Californian drivers come from.
Filed under Poems
English Joke Because I Have To Get Up At 5:00 Tomorrow
Joe said “I have will gone to the pier.”
Bo said “It just got two tense in here.”
Filed under Poems
Next Year I Resolve To Put More Effort Into Hindsight
Looking back at 2022
I had a revelation that I’d like to share with you:
I realized that retrospectives take a while to do well
So I’ll end this poem early and say this year was pretty swell!
Filed under Poems
Music and Lyrics
I heard some kids sing “Old McDonald”
Singing “With a moo moo here and a moo moo there,
“Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo moo.”
Then I turned on the radio
And heard a 41-year-old sing
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.
“Who rules the world? Girls.”
Children deserve more respect.
Filed under Poems
This Poem Is Probably Racist And Hates Short People
Last night I wrote a lot.
Tonight I wrote much not.
The kettle is black and so is the pot.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 