Tag Archives: Prison

“Hellthrash” Is An Underrated Baby Name

If you go to prison

It’d probably be lame

If your parents gave you

A come-hither name

‘Cause if your name’s “Maggie”

Or “Dropped Le’Soap AndI’m Gay”

You’re probably in trouble.

That’s why you’re named “Flay.”

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Here’s Where “All The Good Men” Are Going

They said I could dance if I wanted,

But I didn’t pay them no mind.

I said my friends don’t dance

And since they don’t dance

I’ll happily respond in kind.

They said I could wink if I wanted,

Use my privilege as a white male,

But if the non-dancers

Spew their postmodern cancers

Then I’ll probably end up in jail.

The jail guys dance if they wanna.

They’ll dance with convict behinds,

And since they’re “oppressed”

They don’t second guess

To ask if their partner minds.

So thanks but no thanks to the dancing.

I’ll enjoy my private gloom

‘Cause I don’t want the event

Of past-tense non-consent

To be my freedom’s doom.

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Dog Prison

When a dog is very, very bad…

Beyond the “cone of shame,”

…They travel to an island

Where everything smells the same.

Squirrels and deer and rabbits

Run freely on the grasses

While dogs are put in kennels

And can’t sniff each others’ asses.

Every night they take a bath

And get their toenails groomed.

Some dogs end up someone’s bitch.

Some dogs end up perfumed.

They serve a 12-month sentence

That feels like seven years.

Some dogs come in, well… intact,

But they come out as steers.

So don’t be a bad doggie

All covered in piercings and tats,

‘Cause what I forgot to mention is

The place is run by cats!

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