Irritating, aggravating,
Enervating, asinine,
Childish, boorish, makes-me-snore-ish,
Meaningless but mostly fine,
Stupid, senseless, mauve, relentless,
Bleaker than “Old Yeller”,
And somehow amidst these reviews
A New York Times Bestseller…
Tag Archives: Cynical
Ready To Change The World?
If you’re thinking of a career change
One job has quite low stress:
Suicide bombers will always retire
Right after their greatest success.
Filed under Poems
Animals Come In All Forms
“It’s my emotional support animal”, I said
But she just continued to glare.
She must prefer her support fluffy
But I like mine medium-rare.
Filed under Poems
New Game?
We’ve reached the point in Monopoly
Where all the property’s gone
And one rich guy is making
Everybody else a pawn
So why are we surprised
When the thimbles of the world
Decide it’s time the tables flipped
And wads of cash get hurled?
Filed under Poems
Last Season’s Alcohol: Corona… This Season’s Alcohol: Fireball
To all of you who laughed at me
When I said “Dragons are real”
I present you: California.
Now how do you feel?
Filed under Poems
I’m Doing My Part
With the recent rise of terrorism
And assassination attempts, please
Remember it was Robert Selander (Mastercard CEO)
Who invented “Convenience Fees”.
Filed under Poems
Ode To Brian Thompson
There was an insurance exec
Who got shot in the street. What the heck?
But instead of mass fear
Folks just let out a cheer,
Now relieved of one pain in the neck.
Filed under Poems
If Thanksgiving Wore Sweatpants
Today is Black Friday,
That grand shopping day
Where everything costs
What the white people pay.
You can buy all the things
That nobody bought
When the items were valued
As the resellers thought.
Your lunch will be yummy,
Just like last night’s dinner
And you give up your goal
Of ending the year thinner.
Filed under Poems
1/10 – Not A Silent Night
So I heard the angels singing
All the graces of this inn
But I’ll giveth just one star.
O! Where do I begin?
For one thing, our promised room
Was right next to a manger
And to add to ennui
And sense of mortal danger
Some virgin on a donkey
Gave birth during the night.
The manager didst told me
They’d make everything alright.
I askethed for a refund
But the innkeep said “Maybe
“Instead of giving you a refund
We’ll give gold to the baby?”
If you’re visiting Bethlehem
Know this hotel is very shit.
Also, smelled like myrrh.
-Yelp Review from “Iscariot”
Filed under Poems
Postmodern Sports
People pay for paper
To play games of skill and chance
Where whoever bought the biggest bad
Will do the victory dance.
Boys will bash their brains in
To gain a yard or two
To prove their color’s mascot
Can score more points than you.
Folks will flee their families
To clock another hour
In hopes they’ll earn an office
That will make their colleagues cower.
I could go on forever
Making metaphors like these
But instead I’ll pose a “Let’s suppose”
To replace pastimes like these.
When you look past the colors
And the titles and the flags
It’s really just a contest
Of the biggest moneybags
So why not have a contest
Where we burn a stack of cash
And the champion of the world is he
With the longest-burning ash?
This money-burning contest
Will be framed as needing skill
And is an excellent opportunity
To sell a snack/drink/pill.
Heck, make a legal system
Where your life goes up in flame
And share it on a TV show
To keep building the game!
Then fans of sports and politics
And work and sex and war
Can celebrate the waste of time
While laughing at the poor.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 