So I was just a year past ageless
And I wanted lamb for dinner
So I demanded a sacrifice
From some now-nameless sinner.
Now every year since the dawn of man
They sacrifice more sheep.
Can’t you sacrifice a salad once?
Or maybe a marshmallow peep?
Tag Archives: God
World Design 101
You ask me if there is a god
And I say that I hope not
For I have traveled o’er the world
And many treasures sought
Yet behind every waterfall
I found just rocky flat.
Who would wish a god exists
Who makes a world like that?
Filed under Poems
They Always Said He Was Watching…
So I got a notification
That says God is following my blog…
I guess I’m no longer an atheist
And perhaps I should learn how to jog?
Filed under Poems
Thus Spake The Lord
So God was like “I made animals
“And they’re useful and delicious
“But you chose to eat an apple
“And so, to be malicious,
“I’ll make your parents teach you
“That vegetables are good
“And also make steak cost way more
“Than such meat ever should.”
Filed under Poems
Deleted Scenes From Genesis
And the Lord said unto women:
Unto the lake you’ll goeth swimmin’
And the men will paint you and make art.
And the Lord said unto men:
Here’s a paper and pen.
Also, laugh every time you say “fart.”
***
John begat Jonah
And Jonah begat Josh
And Josh begat Evan
Who said “Oh my gosh
“My name is, like, Eve now
“And I’m not one of you men.”
And thus God prepared
For a flood once again.
***
In the beginning
There were two Gods above,
All powerful beings
And madly in love.
One God said, “Oh other God
“I’m pregnant with Earth.”
Other God said “We’re out of milk.
“See ya after the birth!”
Filed under Poems
Sort Of A Sh**y Contract…
There once was an immortal deity
Who in a moment of gaiety
Said “Make them eat every day
“And then poop it away”
And angels sighed and said “So may it be.”
Filed under Poems
On The Almighty’s Priorities
I know that there are anteaters
And I know that there are ants
And I think that this is proof
That life wasn’t made by chance.
The only thing I wish to know
Is why this brilliant creator
Took a look at spiders and said
“I’ll make the thing that eats them later.”
Filed under Poems
Degrees Of Sinfulness
I asked the preacher “Hey what if
“I steal a loaf of bread?”
The preacher answered “You’ll be judged
“In Heaven once you’re dead.”
I asked, “What if I kill somebody
“But I confess before I die?”
The preacher said “The Lord will judge
“If your intention is a lie.”
I asked, “What if I hog
“The bathroom before work?”
The preacher said, “You’ll go to Hell
You [Sinful language] jerk!”
Filed under Poems
When The Man Upstairs Is Protecting You Against The Dangers Of Premarital Sex
I like to imagine that somewhere in Heaven
God is fighting a war
To defend me from many females who’d do any
Thing to show me how they adore
All that I am. Yes, God is that great
That he beats women off with a stick
So I can be alone, never answer my phone…
Yes, faith in the Lord does the trick.
Filed under Poems
And The Lord Made The Oceans…
Some folks say that God is dead,
But that’s misinformation.
The real truth is God is gone
On one big long vacation.
He asked his faithful angel pal
To water his plant before bed,
But the angel pal misread the note
And watered the planet instead.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 