Here eyes were like flowers
In April’s sweet bloom,
Like a tropical bird
Viewed through 8x digital zoom,
Like tiny galaxies
Filled by the purest of bliss.
This was a chance
Which I just couldn’t miss.
And so I approached her,
Her eyes locked with mine.
I said “Hi! I’m David.”
She said “I’m Caroline.”
I said “your eyes are wondrous.
“They belong in a museum!”
My court date’s this Friday
If you want to come see ’em.
Filed under Poems
We met online at 12:00 AM
And bonded over cats.
We bared our souls with smileys
And confirmed the predictions of anonymous stats.
We texted back and forth a bit
Before we met in real life.
You thought I was kinda cute.
I knew you’d be my wife.
But as the days and weeks went by
Our love was less smooth than I was hopin’.
You kept some of the gifts I sent you
But the boxes of dead rodents, you didn’t open!
So now I’m naked, watching Louie
On Amazon TV
Regretting how your heart did not
Know how much that cat-bonding meant to me.
Filed under Poems
It seems every woman I meet
Is a gold digger of sorts,
Or else too young to engage
As romantically-inclined cohorts.
I’m not the sort of man who’s oft
Accused or called a whiner
But for once I want to meet a gal
Who’s not a miner or a minor.
Filed under Poems
When I’m with you
The sun shines brighter,
The water’s warmer,
My body’s lighter.
When I’m with you
I am flavorful, raw.
I just wish you’d get rid of
This hook in my jaw!
Filed under Poems
Tick tock!
I see her walk
Down main street USA.
The passing time…
Her smile’s bright shine…
I hardly notice the gloomy day.
Tick tock!
I see her stop
And watch her turn my way.
Time feels so slow.
I’ve no place to go.
So glad I’ve got all day!
Hours, minutes,
Days and weeks;
The world is timeless
When she speaks.
Her endless sunset
Lights my life.
What on Earth
Will I tell my wife?
Tick tock!
I see her socks.
They look a lot like mine.
Her lovely face…
Her classic grace…
The way she says “I’m fine…”
Tick tock!
Again she talks.
She calls my secret name.
It dawns on me
And soon I see…
Oh my God, how lame!
Hours, minutes,
Days and weeks;
The world is timeless
When she speaks.
Her endless sunset
Lights my life.
Just realized…
She is my wife!
Your breath on my skin
Like a warm summer breeze.
You pull of your shirt
And my throat starts to squeeze.
I gaze at your torso…
Oh God, I need to sneeze!
Though my face is contorted
I beg of you, please
Know that you don’t disgust me
‘Xcept maybe your knees…
Filed under Poems
“Every single woman
Who is single seems to be
Either fat, a slut, a robot,
Or living far away from me.
I may be exaggerating,
My standards set too high,
But I’m getting sick of looking
And I cannot tell a lie.”
Hear ye, frustrated seeker
Of a love that doesn’t suck:
Your whining has been heard
And it turns out you’re in luck!
A new app’s been developed
You can download on your phone
That can take your DNA
And produce your romantic clone.
“Responder to my whining…
The problem is, you see,
That my standards are so high
That I’m not good enough for me.”
Whiny loveless seeker…
The nail’s head’s been hit.
If you’re sure no one will ever be
A truly perfect fit
Then go and buy a puppy
Or a dolphin or a snake
So your next of kin gets something
After you drown yourself in a lake.
Filed under Poems
She’s a glass doll made of plastic,
A silent symphony,
A baby butterfly
But not a caterpillar, see.
She’s the sense of satisfaction
Men don’t get from buying shoes.
She’s a pomegranate seed,
But just the part without the juice.
She’s nonfat butter ice cream.
She’s that feeling of “just woke up.”
She’s everything and nothing
Which is probably why we broke up.
Filed under Poems
I flipped a coin. It landed heads.
I flipped again. It landed tails.
One or the other every time-
It is a trick that never fails.
I asked eight girls “wanna do it?”
Four of the girls thought it was funny
The others got a guy to dent my skull.
This is why people are attracted to money.
Filed under Poems
I reserved us a table
At Chez Fantastique,
Unparalleled class,
Unquestionably chic.
I wanted to give
Only the best to you,
But alas with me
Guess a dinner will do.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 