Tag Archives: Men

A Sense of Scale

Some people say a football player

Is really, really large.

What’s bigger than a football player

Is probably a barge.

What’s bigger than a barge

Is a thousand-trillion ants.

Nothing bigger than that

Exists outside my pants.

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All Shapes And Sizes

If you’re 4’11

You can bear Sauron’s ring.

If you’re 6’11

You’re like Karl Malone.

If you’re 7’11

You can sell slurpies.

If you’re 5’11

You’re forever alone.

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She Had A Babyface… He Was One

When you think of rings you think “wedding,”

And you think that a heel is a shoe.

When I think of rings my mind goes to wrestling

And a heel is the guy people boo.

You think that dropkicking somebody is crazy

And I think it’s living the life

And that, my dear lady, is just one of the reasons

You won’t be this wrestler’s wife!

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My Dating Algorithm (1-10)

To find a man’s value

Divide his income by 10,000

Then subtract two to compensate.

To find a woman’s value

Call her a ten

(If she has a penis, call her an eight).

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Bikinis

One thing I don’t understand:

Why men who stare are loathed.

If a woman is ninety-percent naked

Men just look at what is clothed!

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Wise Men Know How To Stall

For every man there comes a day

When he must expel waste

And, being in a hurry,

Seeks to urinate with haste.

Soon after, they discover

As their throat fill up with phlegm

That their quest will be a failure…

Someone’s peeing next to them.

They stand in awkward silence,

As the urinals don’t sing

For as much as they both need to

They cannot eject a thing

And thus they close their zippers

And proceed to wash their hands

And go on with screaming bladders

To fulfill their life’s demands.

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Truth Hurts

She said “You’re too accommodating

“And also get defensive a lot.”

I said “That’s fine, we’ll work it out

“And also, no I’m not.”

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Why Die For Your Country When You Can Respect Children?

Though you think of cops and firemen

Or a soldier or marine,

There are men in much more danger

Doing work that’s rarely seen.

I don’t mean high-rise window washers

Or test pilots, you fools!

I speak of male teachers

At elementary schools.

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What Degree of Bachelor?

I was sitting by myself

When, as if from out of thin air,

A nymph straight from my fantasies

Asked “Is anyone sitting there?”

I smiled as well as a man can smile

When faced with an 11/10

And said “It’s free.” She said “Lovely!”

Then gave it to her friend.

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It’s Not About What You Say

At The Women’s March

When a man marches with a sign

That says “I love women”

He’s praised as an ally

To the feminist cause.

At The Straight Pride Parade

When a man marches with a sign

That says “I love women”

He’s called a neo-nazi homophobe,

And that gives me pause.

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