Lonely toilet, late at night.
I don’t need no stinkin’ light.
Wait? Why don’t I hear a splash?
Oops! Guess that bowl was the trash.
Tag Archives: Men
Marketing, Baby!
Women buy all kinds of scented candles
With scents like Carmel Apple and Sandalwood.
These candles smell like what the label tells you
And that kind of clarity is good.
The reason men don’t buy more scented candles
Is because the candles don’t have scents for a guy
Like “Cool Sports Rush”, “Hang Ten”, or “Anaconda”
Which are the smells we men have proved we’ll buy.
Filed under Poems
Be Me, A 30-Year-Old Child
Wrapping paper tube
In my mind a light saber
Wife is not impressed
Filed under Poems
The Masculine Urge
Today, when I was peeing
And pondering my existence,
I realized I hadn’t thought about sex in 24 hours.
What I was suddenly seeing
Was not some great resistance
But the fact that Magic: The Gathering has given me superpowers.
Filed under Poems
When The Kamala Voters Go On a “Sex Strike”
The Donald got elected
And that makes me so depressed
‘Cause now I can’t go out at night
Wearing my Sunday best
To hit on green-haired feminists
Who think that I am Satan.
Oh well, I have my freedom
And more time for masturbatin’.
Filed under Poems
Knights May Be Scarce, But Fairies Are Thriving
You know how the female fantasy
Used to be being held in a tower
Until a brave prince came a calling,
Slayed a dragon, and exercised power?
Well, now the female fantasy
Is to be the brave dragon who can
And wondering why the princes won’t die
To save damsels who don’t need a man.
Filed under Poems
This Is How YouTube Channels Start…
I want to hire a deaf guy
To go to Olive Garden, where a
Waiter will grate a block of cheese
Onto his pasta marinara
And when the waiter asks “enough”
The deaf guy will stay quiet.
This is a lifelong dream of mine…
Know any deaf folks who would try it?
Filed under Poems
THIS! IS! ZEROPERCENTBODYFAT…IMEANSPARTA
Tonight we watched 300
(My wife and I, that is).
I learned of Leonidas
And the courage that was his
To lead a band of brothers
To their deaths love and freedom.
My wife also enjoyed the abs
And told me that I need ‘em.
Filed under Poems
What’s Your Type?
Some men like big butts
And some like them small;
Some like short women
And some like them tall.
Some men like long hair
And some men like bald;
Some guys love feet pics
And some are appalled.
Some men like titties
And no men do not;
Some find legs sexy
And some find them hot.
Some men like fat girls
And some like them slim;
Some guys like all these
And some prefer him.
Guys are to horny
As goats are to hunger;
Some use their fingers
And some guys will tongue ‘er.
So if you’re a woman
And feel insecure
Just know if you ask him
Some guys will say “sure.”
Filed under Poems
Masculine Serenity
Sometimes I look at my sweetheart
And my heart is warm like bread
And thoughts of love and comfy things
Run havoc in my head
And sometimes when I look at her
My heart smells like Spring rain
And an emptiness like midnight
Takes refuge in my brain.
When she sees me staring
And she asks, “What’s on your mind”
I look up from where I was staring
(FYI, that’s her behind)
And with all that warmth and wetness
My soul screams “Yes Yes Yes!”
But then my lips betray me
And I say “Uh, sports I guess?”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 