Tag Archives: Nerds

Please Examine This Excel Graph And Identify The Precise Moment I Did Not Get Laid

I met a beauty in the lab

And we talked of time and space

And before the time had finished

We were walking to my place.

Things were getting steamy

And as she turned off the light

I said “This is like water

“Exceeding 212 degrees Fahrenheit!”

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Reasons I’m Moving To Japan

I wish, when first you met someone

You’d know if you should care

And could see if they’re important

By the weirdness of their hair.

I wish that all decisions

Could be solved in such a way

That a card game or a cook-off

Would decide who rules the day.

I wish that every skill

Could be mastered in an hour

Through a training montage sequence

And above-3,000 power.

But I would trade these wishes

Plus a leg and six months pay

For the girls in real life

To be the girls in anime.

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Not Based On A True Story At All…

Here I am and in my prime,

No need for fear, no lack of time,

My IQ’s high, my flaws are few,

But there’s one foe I’ve yet to slew.

Somehow I feel my knees go weak

If, to a stranger, I must speak.

I can solve equations in my head

But not control the sense of dread

That spreads from pate to waist to toes

When I must speak to Jane or Rose.

I know Shakespeare, Austen, Keats,

But not wherefore my heart so beats.

Perhaps I’ve read too many tomes

To mix with non-y-chromosomes?

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The College Nerd

Back when I lived in the dorms,

I was no fan of social norms.

It was there when I finally heard

My conscience say “you are a nerd.”

For in the dorm above my own

One night I heard a lustful moan,

Then another, then yet more

While I was beating my high score.

Although my skill is up to snuff

The type of games I play are tough

So I yelled “Be quiet when you *bleep* her!

“I’m trying to focus on Minesweeper.”

Now you may laugh and call me names

Since I scoff at sex while playing games

But I avoided future strife:

Minesweeper trains men for married life.

Virgin loser? Yep, that’s me!

Enjoy your one-night TNT.

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Found In A Jock’s First Aid Manual

Examine the location

Of your injured body part.

Elevate it to a place

That is up above your heart.

Then wait as you remember saying

“Technical writing’s a crappy job.”

Be careful who you tease in high school.

Good luck! Yours truly, Bob.

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The Last Word Means “Isn’t It” In Sekigaharan-Era Japanese… Or Something

I’m a bit of a shut-in,

A nerd I confess.

(A semi-pro poet?

Now who’d ever guess?)

But today I got social.

(Is he out of his mind?)

I got out of the house

Leaving nerddom behind.

At 8:00 AM sharp

I watched children play chess

Then I drove to Canada

To play Pokemon (yes).

Then I played a game

Of Sekigahara

Which is about Japanese folks

Whose names rhyme with Ishikara.

I ended it all

By taking a friend

To an improv show based on

The D&D trend.

I got home at 11:00

And 51 minutes.

It’s good to know I’m

A nerd no longer, innit?

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