If you say something sweet to a glacier
And it melts their icy heart
They quietly whisper, “thawwwwwww”
And that’s how global warming starts.
Tag Archives: Poetry
Buffy Is Moving To Europe
Do vampires get uncomfortable
When writing a lowercase “t”?
When they order at a restaurant
Do they request their water unholy?
Do they avoid places that eat lots of garlic
And even avoid such a smell?
Because my conclusions lead me to believe
Italy is just vampire hell.
Filed under Poems
Buffy Is Moving To Europe
Do vampires get uncomfortable
When writing the letter “t”?
When they order at a restaurant
Do they request their water unholy?
Do they avoid places that eat lots of garlic
And even avoid such a smell?
Because my conclusions lead me to believe
Italy is just vampire hell.
Filed under Poems
How Wars Start
Iran said to America, “You da bomb.”
America said, “No, you da bomb.”
And everything would have been ok
Except Israel ran and told their mom.
Filed under Poems
The Things I Do For My Wife
Today I ran a 5K race
With dribbling rain upon my face.
I paid thirty dollars to
Earn a free donut to share with you.
Now I’m soggy, tired, and sore
And I weigh at least a donut more,
But I see a smile in your eyes
And that is why I exercise.
Filed under Poems
I’ve Solved Crime!
Instead of putting folks in jail
Then releasing them later
What if we dressed criminals
So they looked like Darth Vader,
Make them wear black armor
And fill rooms with smoke
And whenever they breath
Make it sound like a choke?
That way when you’re walking
Down a poorly-lit street
You’d know if that stranger
You happened to meet
Is an innocent traveler
Who needs help with a tire
Or a half-robot mugger
Who’s also a liar.
Filed under Poems
They Weren’t Laughing… But There Were Other Signs
If anyone here is deaf
I have an important question:
Do I start jokes with “Have you heard the one about…”
Or do you have a better suggestion?
Filed under Poems
Follow For More Post-Apocalyptic Recipes
The sky has fallen
The sea has boiled
The Earth has shaken
The contingency’s foiled
The zombies prowl
But I’m okay:
Whipped cream goes “psshhhh”
And they can’t take that away
Filed under Poems
Wait… Did The French Just Surrender To Tourists?
So the Louvre closed its doors today
Which is how Mona Lisa would say
“Je ne t’aime pas
“Alors au revoir.”
(And yes, those do rhyme by the way)
Filed under Poems
Piano Tuning Saves Lives
If you sit at a piano
And you plink out A-C-E
Then you played an A Minor chord
So very easily.
But if you sit at a piano
That is really out of tune
Then you might screw up A Minor
And the cops will show up soon.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 