Some of my friends are Hearts,
Full of love and kind and soft.
Other friends are Diamonds,
All rich and perfectly coiffed.
Some of my friends are Clubs
‘Cause they’re blunt and like to drink.
But I don’t yet know any Spades
Or anything relevant that rhymes with drink.
Filed under Poems
The hermit crab lived all alone,
Befitting of his name,
But he met a lady hermit crab
And talked and thrust and came.
Alas, he failed to protect himself
With a rubber or a thing of that yen
And he contracted a most vile disease:
In this case it was men.
Filed under Poems
Just don’t watch your children
When you take them to the zoo.
If it worked for Harambe
It’ll probably work for you.
Filed under Poems
I wish I had a plasma gun
Attached to the front of my car
‘Cause everyone would say “he’s here”
Whenever I drive to the bar.
Filed under Poems
If a homeless person
Asks you for some cash
And you give them some pennies
You are literally human trash.
To give someone a penny
When they’re sleeping outside on the ground
Is to say “You’re still broke, but at least
“I don’t have to carry this f*%^ing penny around.”
Filed under Poems
Benny was a hamster,
An upper-middle class rat.
He lived seven years
In a house with a cat.
He suffered anxiety
Throughout his meager years.
Then he was eaten and came back
As a worker at Sears.
This tale is bland
At face-value only.
It’s a tale of courage
Despite being lonely.
I urge you, have compassion
For all that you meet
For in a previous life
They may have been meat.
Filed under Poems
“Batter Up!” The umpire yelled,
And then he screamed in fright
As the crowd smeared uncooked pancakes on themselves
And ran off into the night.
Filed under Poems
Whenever I’m awake at night
Not able to go to sleep
I’ll sneak outside so quietly
Without making a peep
And head off to the landfill
Where old car parts fill a ditch
And I snuggle up with a Michelin,
Bridgestone, or BFGoodrich.
You may just think I’m sleezy,
Like my brain somehow misfired,
But it’s the only way I know
To get really good and tired.
Filed under Poems
I want a pet Tyranosaurus
And a 10,000 square-foot house.
I want a 90-inch computer
And a solid platinum mouse.
I want the watch that Elvis wore
And a phone that does my dishes
But I can only walk on water
And play with loaves and fishes.
Filed under Poems
