It started with the big floppy disc
Then they made a smaller floppy.
CDs came, then thumb drives,
And now we have the micro-SD.
I guess we can be grateful
That our storage is getting firm
But the reduction in storage size
Is making my male brain squirm…
Filed under Poems
Americans love their football teams.
Canadians love their hockey.
Mexicans are the cross country champs.
In China it’s boxing (Not like Rocky).
Filed under Poems
Music is the universal language.
It can communicate to anyone at all
Things like “I have bad taste in music”
And “Girl, hop in! We’re going to the mall!”
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If I had a nickel
For every commercial starring a white guy
I would have as much money
As the black people who aren’t in ads.
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Violets are black.
Roses are black.
Criminals are racially diverse
So cut me some slack.
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Sure, the future isn’t white
But don’t you worry! It’s alright!
Europe’s long past its golden days
And no one likes swimming anyways.
Filed under Poems
I paid a lot of money
To see Bingo balls go “whir”
At the place I lost my savings
And the waitress called me “sir”.
It’s worth it for the privilege
Of putting five things in a line
And laughing with the others when
They call “I 69”.
Filed under Poems
Do not stand between a man
Who’s running and a bathroom.
Do not wear a pair of pants
With insufficient calf room.
Those who want to sell you crap
Will first tell you “Hello.”
If you’re out of shampoo
Do not substitute Jello
Filed under Poems
Sometimes when I’m feeling blue
I try a little trick
Where I think I’m a Pokemon
Who’s very, very sick
And instead of going to my job
I go to the free healthcare place
And the happy nurse makes me feel better.
Then I punch my boss’s face.
Filed under Poems
I’m a freakin’ space marine!
Half man, half god, half war machine!
I wipe out armies with my fists!
And turn alien brains into alien mists!
I’ve saved every planet from certain death!
When women see me they gasp for breath!
I’m a freakin’ space marine, you know!
What mom? Ooh, pizza? Gotta go!
Filed under Poems
Someday in the future
Ours cars will be a dream:
We’ll make them half the weight and cost
Of today’s driving machine.
They’ll have less wear on tires
And do less harm to the roads,
Go four times as far in rain or shine
And haul heavier loads.
They’ll recharge themselves in minutes
And use only renewable power.
We’ll call them “Gasoline powered”.
Just my thoughts from the shower…
Filed under Poems
When I turn on my television
I see a world of superstition
Where our leaders act like children,
Have a cow.
Meanwhile, the kids can’t read or write
And I stay awake at night
And think “That Tide Pod’s looking pretty tasty now.”
We used to run through flowery meadows
But now the news says they’re full of pedos.
There hasn’t been a film worth watching for a year.
Now I could watch Star Wars again
Or read a book or try some zen
But I’m leaning towards a Tide Pod and a beer.
You can’t see the stars at night;
We’re devoid of light delights.
It’s the darkest season most of us have faced.
But the laundry in the dryer
Caused another forest fire
And we can’t let all that detergent go to waste…
I guess life ain’t all that bleak
Just cause girls are men and men are weak
And our food and water cause infertility.
Let’s count our blessings, me and you:
I’ll say “one”, and you say “two”,
Then have some denatorium benzoate with me.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 