Some people fear that God fellow.
Some people fear that Devil guy.
I fear the one who actually prefers
The toilet paper with just one ply.
Tag Archives: Religion
Religious Freedom
The guy at the church said,
“Convert to Christianity!”
The scientologist said,
“Convert to out insanity!”
The LDS guy said, “Convert
“Also, I’m Elder Jeff.”
Microsoft word told me,
“Just convert to .PDF”
Filed under Poems
We Are Never Ever Ever… Sending You Another Letter!
I got a letter in the mail
From a Jehovah’s Witness
Which explained God’s will to me
And wished me mental fitness.
It told me, “God is watching
“And he’s offering you a lift,”
And yet I’ve seen no news
About the death of Taylor Swift…
Filed under Poems
The Case Against Hell
Were there an inventor,
Perhaps of a car,
And it found its vehicle flawed
I’d think that the fault
Was not with the car
But with it’s creator, Car God.
And if Car God said,
“You dumb stupid lemon,
“Made flawed because I wasn’t clever,
“Instead of repairing,
“Refining, retrying,
I think I’ll just burn you forever…”
If that were the case,
I’d want a new God
For fear that I might somehow fail.
But our God is better:
Our God is forgiving
For he made, but has not burned, kale.
Filed under Poems
First, Do No Harm
Today I’ve done nothing
But sit on my butt.
I woke up, closed the blinds,
Checked the door (locked and shut)
Then reveled for hours
Of sedentary bliss
Never once caring
About what I might miss.
And as nothing happened
For a fair bit of time
I had no new ideas
And committed no crime,
Consumed no nutrition
And didn’t make noise,
And somehow refrained
From molesting young boys.
I didn’t feel sadness,
Nor did I have fun
So for sunday the score is:
Catholics: 0, Poet: 1
Filed under Poems
40 Virgins Is A Better Incentive… Just Saying
They mentioned becoming Jewish.
They said I ought and should.
Then the bris and lack of bacon came up
And Hell started to sound real good.
Filed under Poems
Oxymoron Of The Week: Religious Humor
A religious type of joke
Is often what offends
An amazing group of people’s
Imaginary friends.
I will mock all religions
In this poem I now write
Except, or course, for Islam
‘Cause I’m flammable and white.
I saw a gay pride event
As I was walking to my car.
They’d gathered ’round the Catholic Church
So the priests needn’t walk too far.
I wanted to amuse a Jewish bloke
And so I took a stab. I
Think they might have laughed had I
Not tried to high-five the Rabbi.
I met a “spiritual but not religious”
Person just the other day.
I asked them “is my latte ready?”
They said “yes, now go away.”
I’m not sure about Agnostics.
If Skeptics have jokes, I don’t know ’em.
The Buddhists suffer eternally
Whether or not they read this poem.
I want to end with one last joke
To make you giggle or scoff:
Don’t get circumcised on a budget
‘Cause it might be a rip off.
The Bible, Basically
Every single second
Of every single day
You have the chance to change your life
And live a better way,
To turn off the autopilot
And let your thoughts run free,
To say goodbye to who you were
And welcome who you want to be.
Every single moment
In every person’s life
Comes with bits you wish would simply
Get impaled by a knife.
Sloth and greed and gluttony
Will leave you be, you’ll find,
If you toughen up and stab them
With the power of your mind.
You’re an amazing creature
Who can do amazing things.
You’re why the spider scurries
And you’re why the bluebird sings.
Your dreams can all be conquered
So show them you’re the dude!
Yours truly, God/Yweh.
Lol Jk you’re screwed!
Filed under Poems
Jesus Christ, Millennial
I want a pet Tyranosaurus
And a 10,000 square-foot house.
I want a 90-inch computer
And a solid platinum mouse.
I want the watch that Elvis wore
And a phone that does my dishes
But I can only walk on water
And play with loaves and fishes.
Filed under Poems
Saint Andrew Is Not Amused
Blasphemy is bad.
Blasphemy is wrong,
But set it to a salsa beat
And make a catchy song
And pierce your nose and beat your kids
And smoke cocaine out of a bong
And that’s why I got kicked out of my church.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 