Brute strength can’t do everything.
Stamina has limits.
Despite how hard you try
Not every couplet rhymes.
You can lose your focus.
You can lose your mind.
Life might not gives you lemons,
And maybe not even limes.
Sometimes you write two stanzas
Before you realize
That you have no conclusion.
But you don’t want to erase.
Sometimes you write “you”
When referring to yourself.
Next time you write this poem
Instead use “what’s your face.”
Filed under Poems
She was like a James Bond villain:
Charismatic, certainly,
And she had a pool of sharks
And talked nonstop to me.
That suited me just fine.
I’ve also got an evil brain,
But I’m the type of bad guy
With bad teeth who gets thrown off a train.
Filed under Poems
My mind is a pomegranate:
Juicy, seedy,
And it leaves stains on whatever it touches.
You don’t know how it opens
And it takes hours to process
And doesn’t fill you up.
Luckily my heart is some type of meat,
Probably liver.
Mmmm… Liver.
You haven’t bought an ostrich
For several months at least,
Nor have you cooked a lemon
In chestnuts, corks, or yeast.
You’ve never thrown a hand grenade
At some Windex in L.A.
So quit telling me you’re bored
And please just go away.
Badass is a state of mind.
Take a photographer
Who takes pictures of weddings
For Mrs. And Mr.
He’s not traditionally cool,
But in his head
He’s a ninja in disguise
Taking photos of the wed.
Or take the guy at the Chevron
Who pumps your tank of gas.
He knows if you get mouthy
He’ll “swipe anywhere” on your ass.
Take a look around you
At the wallpaper, lights, and your shoes.
These could all be badasses
If they had the desire to choose.
Filed under Poems
I gazed into her eyes,
Though she thought I saw her chin.
I was mesmerized at once
By the pixels of her skin.
Until we sent those videos
I was not the romantic type,
But now I sit corrected.
I fell in love at first Skype.
Filed under Poems
My cat ate my fish,
Then my dog ate my cat,
Then my puma ate my dog
So I bought a pet gnat.
I enjoy the first course,
And the second course too.
They were a fine salad
And also fine stew.
But by the third course
I thought “what a waste”
To have a meal in which
I could find no distaste.
So I pulled out my hair
To put in my entree,
And complained about it
When the waiter came my way.
All in all, Chez Fancié
Stood up to its clout.
I hope next time they serve
Something to bitch about.
Did you see it coming
Up above your head?
‘Cause if you didn’t, you’re probably
Kinda going to be a bit dead.
!
P.S. My new book is being released just in time for the 4th of July. Until June 26th (this Thursday), you have a chance to get a free copy! Check out the “coming soon” tab for more info.
P.P.S.
Sorry can’t explain my apol…
Ogetic attitude
Right now
Regarding today’s poem.
Yep, that’s about it.
Filed under Poems
If I had a hammer
I’d hammer in the morning.
I’d hammer in the evening
All over this land.
I’d hammer for weeks
Until one week, without warning
I’d realize that my hammer
Was getting quite bland.
Then I’d sell my hammer
And buy a Mazerati.
I’d stay up in the evening
And buff it by hand.
I’d drive it to the movies
Until it got a door ding.
Then I’d sell it for a smart car
And maybe start a garage band.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 