I went to the movies
With a hefty bag
Of detritus, garbage, and junk
Because you told me
To take out the trash.
This was the date up which I thunk.
Tag Archives: Silly
Linguistically Correct
Filed under Poems
Ode to an iPhone
You tell me how much time I waste
And predict my musical taste.
You hold my apps. My photos too.
Where would “i” be without you.
You give me guidance when I’m lost.
You’re worth my monthly data cost.
When I’m lonely on the road
I swipe to wake you and enter my code
And there I am! Right back at home.
In a pinch, you’re a mirror for my comb.
You light the darkness, check my mail,
Encourage me to “play again” when I fail.
You’ll be with me night and day.
To all your thoughts I’ll click OK.
So phone of mine, I cannot lie:
You are the Apple of my “i.”
Filed under Poems
Econ 400, Minute 1
Via obfuscatory principles
And derivative pomp
It is my imperative to greet you
To my academic romp,
Wherein the equilibrium,
Elasticities, and curves
Shall give M. Night Shyamalan
Envy of my topical swerves.
I do hope to saturate you
In the ways of Bayes and Nash
While displaying free-market principles
By trading good grades for cash.
Please infer your syllabus,
Or you shan’t this lecture win.
Now, like a prisoner’s dilemma,
To start, we must begin…
Filed under Poems
Miss’ng Someth’ng
Just because you shouldn’t
Doesn’t mean you can’t.
You can write down “shalln’t”
Even though it should be “shan’t.”
You can rob a bakery,
Though prudent be, it wouldn’t,
And if you weren’t successful there
Argue with the cops you couldn’t.
I learned these things and many more,
And whether I should’ve or shouldn’t
You can’t and shan’t and shouldn’t say
I ain’t too good a stud’nt.
Filed under Poems
This Is Not Tomorrow’s Poem
Pretty much everything
Goes well most of the time,
But every now and then
One can’t think of a rhyme.
I’d written the first couplet,
But not the one that followed it.
‘Twas on the tip of my tongue,
But, alas, I think I swallowed it.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Almost Educated
I never learned how to sew,
So my homemaking skills are so-so,
But I know “two” from “to,”
And I even learned “too,”
So I guess you reap what you so.
Filed under Poems
A Brief History of Humans
In the beginning
The world was flat,
The king was king,
And that was that.
Then peasants saw
They’d gotten screwed.
They grabbed torches and pitchforks
And got really rude.
Now the king wasn’t king
And the Earth was a sphere
And the peasants rejoiced
And drank all the beer.
A king was elected
Who told everyone
“The beer will be back
When my four years are done.”
But the beer wasn’t back
After the Earth’s fourth turn,
So the pitchforks were sharpened
And the torches did burn.
And now the beer’s back,
Which just goes to show
That society’s perfect.
And, well, now you know.
Filed under Poems
Wrinkled and Humorless
I tried to iron my shirt today
Expecting humor all the way,
I didn’t laugh. That’s how life goes:
‘Twas less ironic than I supposed.
Filed under Poems
I’m Thankful for Obligatory Topics
I’m thankful that the turkey
On my table is dead
And that at ten A.M
I can write poems in bed.
I’m thankful that if my poem
On Thanksgiving isn’t great
I won’t be washed away
By a necrotic wave of hate.
I’m thankful that necrotic waves
Are very rare occurrences
And that I’ve found employment
Selling life and health assurances.
I’m thankful to be dealt a hand
Of aces. Just the same
I’m glad I’ve got the self-control
To just avoid the game.
I’m thankful for soft blankets,
The ability to play,
And Naoko Takeuchi,
But not “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
Finally, I’m thankful for
My readers (that means you)!
Happy Thanksgiving from the States,
And don’t forget to chew.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
The Bag and Pipes
I’ve been told by friends of mine
That I have no filter
Because I saw a naked Scottish man
And said he was “off-kilter.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 