Tonight my pipes were in trouble
Because they’d broken the law.
The cops spotted their getaway
And shouted “There! Haha”
And then the cops made a booboo
As they called to the pipes in the night:
They shouted “Freeze!” and now
There’s no water to shower tonight.
Filed under Poems
I’m basically a werewolf
But instead of being transformy
When the full moon rises
I get very horny.
The other difference
Between a werewolf and my ways
Is that I’m also were-horny
The other 28 days.
Filed under Poems
A missionary and his doggy
Went to town via 69th street.
This poem would be longer
But I don’t know grownup sheet.
If I had a hippo
You wouldn’t gimme no lip, yo.
But I’ve got an elephant
And you’re just like “omg, can’t.”
So I just bought a rat,
So have fun with that
As I pull out my gator
And say “see ya later.”
Filed under Poems
There once was a suburban dad
Who was a most serious lad.
He never told jokes
To his kids or his folks
And because of that they all were sad.
Now that you feel sufficiently guilty…
What did the dog say to the octopus?
I like bones.
Get it? ‘Cause he’s a dog?
Laugh, or I’ll read you the limerick again…
Filed under Poems
New year, new you?
You do that too?
So that makes two
Of us. Who knew!
New year, new me
Is how I see
My future will be
Until January 3.
Then new year’s old
Or so I’m told
So I’ll put on hold
My plans so bold.
Filed under Poems
In halcyon hours, my maiden and me
Become one with each other until
Through effort and grace we lie face to face
As nature concludeth its will.
Then I am afflicted with such a condition
Where my brain is in tune with my bowels
And for hours after I know only laughter
And I can speak only in vowels.
Or to put it another way…
Iayohouyaieae
Eoeoeieaoeui
Oueoaaeeieaeoae
Aaueoueii.
EIaaieiuaoiio
Weeyaiiiueiyowe
AohouaeIooyaue
AIaeaoyiowe.
Filed under Poems
I used to have a whole bunch of dice
But I can’t find two of them now.
I suppose that means it’s a pair o’ dice lost?
(Yes, this is a pun. Anyhow…)
Filed under Poems
I know I shouldn’t have walked alone
Through the parking garage at night,
Especially when it’s very dark
And I am very white.
Some hoodlums did assail me
And called “Hands in the air!”
But I did not not obey them
And instead without a care
Reached deep inside my jacket
Where I keep my alto recorder
And I played the G Major scale
To restore the law and order.
And so the hoodlums left me
And I drove home just fine.
That’s why you pay attention in school.
Now what’s the log (base ten) of nine?
Filed under Poems
If you ever see an orphan
In Gotham after dark
You should take off your spandex
And find somewhere else to park.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 