People always say
“I miss the good old days”
But I think that’s misguided
In many different ways,
Chief of which is that
Although they made so many gargoyles
And so many fountains
The two were very seldom combined,
Which means we’ve had thousands of years
That could have had gargling gargoyles
And yet we got garden gnomes.
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Glorious, glamorous, glandular, gassy,
Serious, spurious, sanctified, sassy,
Furious, fabulous, fortified, fun:
If they match all these adjectives, you’ve found the one!
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If I had a chicken
Made of a golden laser beam
I’d think the Altoids that I bought
Were not as they would seem…
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“Hey girl”, I texted.
“What’s up?” She replied.
Then I flashed back to the first three minutes of Pixar’s masterpiece, “Up”
And inevitably cried.
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Somewhere down in baby hell
Are Lucifer and Baphomet,
Asmodeus, Apollyon,
Satan, and Adramalech
All laughing at demonic stuff
But here’s the evil rub:
There’s a new kid in the devil school.
His name’s Beelzebub.
His family comes from South Missouri
And his dad’s name was Cletus
And he’d been groomed for devilhood
Since he was a fetus.
The devils might have picked on him
‘Til he was a broken husk
But then a savior came along:
A baby devil named by Elon Musk.
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If you want to impress a woman
Ask “Will you be my girlfrien?”
She’ll say no, because you forgot the “d”.
Then you grin at her
And say “You’ll get the ‘d’ later”
Then you can say “thank you” to me.
“There’s no such thing as magic”
Is what the stranger said,
So I dropped the pulsing rainbow orb
And hit him with a pan instead.
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Tomorrow we’ll dress up
And take candy from strangers
Then listen to music
About Santa and mangers
But tonight we’ll eat ice cream
And go to Ikea
And buy toilet paper
For Tuesday’s diarrhea.
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There is a wall between the grass
That’s greener than our own,
That’s free of weeds and full of dew
And smells so freshly mown.
There’s a man who wants to climb
The wall, but has no rope.
He’s laughed at by the man who has no hands.
Crying in the shadows
Is a man who has no hope
And one who has no time to climb
Because of life’s demands.
One man has no body
Since he died a year ago
And another has no body
For he was never born at all.
Last among the dreamers
And the lowest of the low
Is the man who loves the grass beyond
But is five-foot-eleven tall.
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I never knew what would happen
If you stabbed wood and graphite
On the end of a fork-like utensil,
So I did it and swallowed.
I was shocked by what followed:
The next day I pooped out a pencil!
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The Daily Travesty 