Ten years ago today
We saw a theatrical trailer
For what history may call
The biggest cinematic failure:
A lifeless Star Wars reboot
That exceeded our most cynical fears.
Now come back and read this poem
In another couple of years.
Tag Archives: Star Wars
Qui Gonn Logic
Crazy little slave
Killed an army just for kicks.
Better train the kid!
Filed under Poems
The Menace Is No Longer Phantom
In 1999 they released a film
About an old guy that starts a galactic war
Where one side wants free markets
And one side wants big government
But they both serve the same exact dark lord
Now in 2024 we’re given a choice
Between two wrinkly warmongers as well
And I’m going to vote for the one
Who shoots lightning from his thumbs
‘Cause that’s the objectively cooler ruler of Hell.
Filed under Poems
I’d Take JarJar Binks At This Point
Obi-Wan Kenobi is our only hope
But will he run for president?
Another year of “nope”.
Filed under Poems
Hi God… Let’s Talk Retcons For A Sec
Every night I go to sleep
After a simple prayer
When I recall the Star Wars sequels
And wish they weren’t there.
Every day when I awake
My wish was not obeyed,
But someday soon we’ll see a world
In which only six were made…
Filed under Poems
Averted The Crisis Is. Used Common Sense We Did.
A long time ago,
In a galaxy far away
Some Jedi asked the federation
How much they’d have to pay
To get the robot army guys
To stop blocking Naboo.
They came to a reasonable compromise
And they never filmed episode two.
Filed under Poems
If Background Characters Mattered: Star Wars Edition
Of all the films that ever ended
Then were released in versions extended
The biggest scene these films still lack
Is the pivotal part in “The Empire Strikes Back”
Where Steve, the Bespin cleaning guy
Who fixes the vents of the city in the sky
Sees a disembodied hand somewhere
And decides “Eh, whatever. I don’t care.”
Moments later Steve just laughed
When he saw Luke fall down the bottomless shaft
Then picked up his check from Mr. Vader
And went back home to his giant crater.
Filed under Poems
Yeah… The Swooshing Noises Would Get Old Pretty Fast… WAIT! Noise Cancelling Laser Armor!
The Jedi Order’s been around
For many thousands of years
And made a lot of laser swords
They didn’t give their peers.
These laser swords cut anything
Except each other, it seems,
And they block laser guns and stuff
And red ones oft cause screams.
My question for the Jedi,
Who claim to be guardians of peace,
Is why they never thought to make
An armor made of these?
A suit of laser armor
That blocks all forms of harm
Would prevent a lot of Jedi who
So often lose an arm,
As well as making everyone
Invulnerable to violence.
The only downside I can see
Is that the world would no longer have silence…
Filed under Poems
Sir Alec Guinness, Ladies and Gents
There once was a guy named Obi
Whose surname was, weirdly, Kenobi.
Then this kid came along…
“Do you know Obi-Wan?”
And he was like “Of course I know me!”
—————————————————————
There once was a trooper, unnamed,
Who sought droids with data untamed,
But Obi’s like “Pu-lease!
“You ain’t looking for these.”
Only later trooper thought “I got gamed.”
—————————————————————
There one was a giant black guy
Who had a death star in the sky.
Obi met him one day
And was like “Ani! Hey!”
And then Obi-Wan’s like, “Guess I’ll die.”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 