Some people think that spending
Forty bucks a month or so
For exercising at a gym
Is just the way to go.
I think that cancelling the gym
Is the same as getting paid
Forty bucks a month to not
Work out. I’ve got it made!
Tag Archives: Stupid
Hunter’s Ted Talk
Remember when we were in grade school
And the winner of every fight
Wasn’t the guy who said “I have infinity”
But “I have infinity plus one”, right?
Well yesterday my boss said “You’re fired”
And I said “No, I’m infinity fired plus one”
And now I’m on the board of directors
And also the president’s son!
Filed under Poems
Jacques Strap? (Comment A Better Title… I Dare You)
They called me “french-fry fingers”
‘Cause I’m just that bad at bowling.
See, oil gets all over the ball
After it starts a rolling.
Then it hits the bowling pins
And knocks down one or two.
Emotionally salty, physically oily,
And that’s why. Comprenez-vous?
Filed under Poems
What, You Expected A Point?
If a “house plant” is a thing
A “home tree” should be too,
As should a “duplex flower”
And “skyscraper bamboo.”
But perhaps my favorite combo
(The others are still great though)
Is either “Airbnb broccoli”
Or else “hovel tomato”.
On “Inciting Incidents”(Bonus Points If It Involves A Historical Artifact)
It doesn’t require much talent to be famous.
There really is near nothing to it
As long as you don’t care what they name us
And don’t care if you need to live through it.
Filed under Poems
Still Better Than The Crap You Read In High School
I was sick of using imagination
So I Googled “Poetry Inspiration”.
The website said “Write a poem about
“Blue sand and red crabs.”
Thus: Two crabs, clad in vermillion
Brought in cash about a million
And they bought the really good stuff
That they make in science labs.
They cut it with their claws
And broke like fifty laws
But by the end their point of view
Was “Drugs are good and sand is blue”.
Filed under Poems
Why I Love Asian Food
I was warming a bowl of alphabet soup
‘Cause I’m a grown up, and I can
When I looked down and wondered aloud
“Why’s there so much broth in my pan?”
Now I could add noodles and call it a day
But I felt, toward that fix, an aversion,
So instead I went shopping for a new can
And this time got the Japanese version.
Filed under Poems
When Your Wife Meets The Minotaur And Has To Give Birth In An Echoey Cave
Mary had a little lamb
Little lamb
Little lamb…
Mary had a little lamb
And the obstetrician fainted
Fainted
Fainted…
Filed under Poems
See? This Is Why All We See Are Stupid Moths!
The monarch butterfly revealed
It’s gold and ebony splendor,
The ruler with antennas fair
And wings both strong and tender.
Alas, his reign was shortened
When he came upon a boy
Who thought his wings were pretty
And he’d make a worthy toy.
The boy absconded with the bug
Who ruled the butterflies
And in a box of colorful corpses
Does now his body lie.
So I decry the practice
Of collecting bugs and lobby
That only spiders be collected
By those who hold this hobby.
Filed under Poems
A Limerick About Mobile Games
There once was a Candy Crush knockoff
There twice was a Candy Crush knockoff
There thrice was a knockoff
Four times was a knockoff
Five times was a Candy Crush knockoff
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 