Tag Archives: Fame

So Basically Tide Pods, Right?

If you’ve always dreamed of fame

But the dream never came to fruition

I have a helpful tidbit

From yours truly’s intuition:

Drink a bunch of chemicals

Then pretend you have the flu

And with any luck some doctor

Will name a condition after you!

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The Agonies And TheEcstasies Of Being An Extremely Niche Web Celebrity

Nickelback called me

To let me know

They wrote a song

Inspired by my life.

Part of me feels

Honored by their intention,

But I’ll never listen to the song

Which should save me some strife.

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The Red Shirt Tells All

I graduated first in my class

From the Juilliard theater school.

I auditioned for a sci-fi show

I thought looked pretty cool.

I showed up at the studio

At 6:15 AM

To help film the now-beloved

Sci-fi classic show for them.

I went to see the costume folks.

The gave me scarlet shirts,

And asked me “are you wearing

Something where, if you fall, it hurts?”

With my adamant denial

They sent me to the stage

Where I memorized my script

Which totalled almost half a page.

The crew was very friendly.

The set was very cheep.

They had a token black girl

And the captain was a creep.

I asked about my character.

“What is his last name?”

They said “he doesn’t have one.”

Such was my first taste of fame.

To this day I look back and smile

When I watch that episode

Where 1:17 into it

A monster roars and I explode.

It was my only great achievement,

And I cannot tell a lie

But at least my job stability

Trumped that of Firefly.

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True Love? Oh Baby!

I saw her in a Pampers ad

During some mindless family show.

I’d not ’til then fallen in love

But that’s the way things go.

I loved the sunshine in her hair,

The drool upon her chin,

The way the super-absorbency

Accented her alabaster skin.

I called the network, desperately

Seeking to find her name

But I couldn’t connect with anyone.

My only other option? Fame!

I scored a role in a ketchup ad,

Then became a multi-roler

When I starred as the kid who modeled

The Cadillac B-90 Stroller.

I was the hottest babe in Hollywood,

Beloved for being small,

Yet still I’d not connected with her

For whom I’d done it all.

And so my heart goes on and on,

Never to bestill.

I pray I’ll play beside her,

The Jack unto her Jill.

Until that fateful future day

I spend my nights alone,

Just me and my beloved

Via Youtube on my phone.

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Wet on Earth?

My garden was wilting

Despite all my silting.

I fert’lized my petunias

The best I was able.

But they still needed water

As the weather got hotter,

And I needed the water

For my guests at the table.

I promised my flowers

The sky would bring showers,

But the weather betrayed me,

And rain it did not.

So I knelt o’er my buds

And sobbed, making muds.

I never expected

That on film this was caught.

I next day I found

In HD and with sound

That my gardening venture

Had three million hits.

I became very wealthy

And my flowers got healthy

‘Cause now I bought water

And new fertilizing shits.

And when I am dead

With dirt o’er my head

And people shed tears

On top of my grave,

I hope they play that vid

Of when I was a kid

And could not work a hose.

Then they’d have a rave.

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Nine Million Americans

I won’t lie…

I’m famous

For something really neat.

I posted “first”

On a youtube vid

And now my life’s complete.

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