I bought a fish named Clem on Tuesday
And by Wednesday he was dead.
I bought a fish named Joe on Thursday
But hid him under my bed.
Joe is living happily
Unlike poor, stubborn Clem
Who saw guys on TV and challenged himself
To hold his breath like them.
Filed under Poems
Yesterday I was responsible:
Got dressed, and went to work.
Just ’cause I mixed the order up
Doesn’t mean I’m a jerk…
Filed under Poems
She drove like she was asian.
She swam like she was black.
She jumped like a caucasian
With a dolphin on her back.
She wasn’t good at anything;
If she tried, she’d fail
But she was still ten-times better
Than every straight white male.
Filed under Poems
There once was a man from Saigon
Who needed to mow his lawn.
He saw someone wan
And asked “Genghis Khan?”
But it was just his neighbor, Sean.
Filed under Poems
I sleep on a bed of money
But still no one respects me
‘Cause I pay my bills with tiny beds
As my conscience directs me.
Filed under Poems
Men want to talk about grape yogurt.
Women want to talk about patriarchy.
Men like talking about grape culture.
Feminists dislike the letter “G.”
Filed under Poems
I saw horses running
With humans on their backs.
I said, “Now there’s an animal
“We’ve not made into snacks.
“They’re gorgeous and majestic
“And possess a lightning speed,”
But the one kid eating glue
Silently disagreed.
Filed under Poems
I’m my softball league’s head chef;
For optimal nutrition
I like to make a Bundt cake
To get guys in a scoring position.
Filed under Poems
It’s nice to know
In this day and age
Time Magazine will
Give you the front page
And give you the title
“Person of the year”
For being perturbed
Where rich people can hear.
Filed under Poems
An Ancient Greek found trousers
With holes torn in the knees.
He held them up for passers-by
Asking, “Euripides?”
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 