I wanted to go
To the movies with you.
You couldn’t go
But that wouldn’t do
So I dressed like one person
Pretending to be two.
It was pretty fun.
The guy at the window
Sold me two passes
Despite recognizing
I wasn’t two lasses.
The tickets saw through my ploy
Like X-ray glasses:
Both of them said “Admit One.”
I never thought I’d be happy
To lose the shirt off my back,
To run out of money, be told I’m not funny,
And become some animal’s snack.
I’d never thought I’d be happy
To have that stuff happen to me
And as it turns out they still haven’t
So I guess life is going as expected.
Filed under Poems
They say “be polite,”
“Use your manners and be kind.”
If I wanted to be a diplomat
I’d have gone to college, mind.
Filed under Poems
The cycle goes around itself,
A blinding dash of red.
The cycle collapses on itself.
Is its rider dead?
The cycle’s wheels roll away
Down the cliff, a stony slide.
The cyclist stands, his bike in shreds…
Last time he’ll text and ride.
Meanwhile the cycle rolls away
To who knows where and when
Until, reborn, the scattered scraps
Begin the cycle again.
Filed under Poems
I is for my mother.
C is for my dad.
A is for my feelings.
N is for an impaler, namely Vlad.
T is for seismology.
S is for uninspired.
PEL is for impatience.
L is for “Am I Fired?”
Filed under Poems
I wanted to let you know
I wrote this poem on the toilet.
I thought it best to keep it brief
In case that secret did spoil it.
Filed under Poems, To the Reader
Some of my friends are Hearts,
Full of love and kind and soft.
Other friends are Diamonds,
All rich and perfectly coiffed.
Some of my friends are Clubs
‘Cause they’re blunt and like to drink.
But I don’t yet know any Spades
Or anything relevant that rhymes with drink.
Filed under Poems
I wish I had a plasma gun
Attached to the front of my car
‘Cause everyone would say “he’s here”
Whenever I drive to the bar.
Filed under Poems
Benny was a hamster,
An upper-middle class rat.
He lived seven years
In a house with a cat.
He suffered anxiety
Throughout his meager years.
Then he was eaten and came back
As a worker at Sears.
This tale is bland
At face-value only.
It’s a tale of courage
Despite being lonely.
I urge you, have compassion
For all that you meet
For in a previous life
They may have been meat.
Filed under Poems
When I see your smiling face,
Your shining eyes and feline grace
I almost feel something at all
But then I don’t. So there.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 