If
You
Plan
Ahead, you
Can make anything
Look like a graph that
Extends dramatically at the end of the line.
Stats
Lie.
Tag Archives: Truth
Secrets From Da Biz
Play a little bit wrong
With a lottle bit of style
And the people gonna clap
And the judges gonna smile.
But if you play it perfectly
And accurately articulate
I hoping you enjoy standing
By the phone, where you’ll forever wait.
Filed under Poems
Crossover Opportunity?
Have you ever had a character
In your favorite game or show
That you either would like to be
Or wish would forever go?
Well now you can fulfill your dream
Thanks to Fortnite! It’s a game
Where every IP of all time
Gets shot in the face the same.
Sign on and join a universe
Of people 13+
Who unironically use terms
Like “Sigma”, “Bussin”, and “Sus”.
There you can play any game
While dressed as anyone
And after your kid tells you how to play
You might even have fun!
Only one can win each round
Out of a hundred players
But if you’re bad, don’t be so sad!
Play again and avoid your slayers.
Claim victory or somehow blow it
Until you see someone
Dressed as a certain terrible poet
Chasing you with a gun.
Filed under Poems
When You Have To Finish All The Christmas Candy Before Your Resolutions Start
Not quite next year yet…
Losing weight is easier
When you start out fat…
Filed under Poems
Timmy Quits First Grade
Kids think school is really neat.
It’s all the crayons you can eat
And lots of friends to boss around
‘Til you weigh more than fifty pounds.
After that school isn’t great.
You’re teased for all the crayons you ate
By bigger kids with smaller brains
And many fewer choochoo trains.
If school stuck to its “pre” version
It would enhance student immersion.
Alas, they think we have to learn
And that’s why I will not return.
Filed under Poems
“Contagion” Is A Synonym For “Paid Time Off”
My wife has a disease
Where her nose is really oozy,
Her muscles ache, she’s sneezy,
And occasionally woozy.
She sleeps a lot and burps a lot
And makes a sound like “schplurk”.
I’m going to kiss her on the mouth
Then take some time off work.
Filed under Poems
Saves Us Several Weeks Of Suffering In January, I Guess
The Rams faced off with the Seahawks
Who forgot how to lace up their Reeboks.
The hawks made four kicks
Betwtixt their four picks
And now they’re not Super Bowl 60 locks.
Filed under Poems
Gift Cards
Happy Birthday dude!
Here’s cash you can only spend
Somewhere you don’t go.
Filed under Poems
Read That Last Word With Four Syllables To Make Me Seem Smarter
When you are a poetic bard
Having a social life is hard
Because you may be out at night
But need to do a daily write.
Hypothetical as this may sound
This is where I, this night, am found.
When you read other brief poems by me
Know that I’m healthy socially.
Filed under Poems
K-5 Education
If you could just close your mouths
And let your feet be still
Your mind would find a sense of peace
And overflow with skill.
If you could keep your eyes on me
And your hands to yourself
You’d find your time so much more free
And your talent upper shelf.
If you could focus for a blink
And persevere a while
You’d all be smarter than you think
And make a teacher smile.
And yet as you deny these things
I’m please to end a day
When you can do a two-plus-two
And know that biting’s not ok.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 