“What do you want for your birthday?”
So many have asked this of me,
Yet I still have zero doomsday devices
And seventy-two graphic tees…
Category Archives: Poems
Marriage Means Always Discovering New Things
Today I discovered
That farting into the air purifier
Makes the lights go red
And the fans go brrrrrrr.
Today my wife discovered
That she made a terrible mistake
By not saving her farts
Until she was closer to the air purifier.
#Love
Filed under Poems
How The Mighty Have Fallen
Remember when Pixar had a lamp
That hopped up and down on the “I”?
Now it just asks the “I” for its pronouns
Before movies that don’t make me cry.
Filed under Poems
Just Do Something!
I have started many a poem
Upon this empty screen
And deleted many an opening line
Never again to be seen,
Censored preemptively many a thought
And pitilessly pruned prose
And yet still end up with something like this,
Illustrating how much writing goes.
Filed under Poems
We Returned It Twice, But He Keeps Insisting…
Big fat fluffy cat
Thinks our Amazon wish list
Includes a dead bird
Filed under Poems
Win-Win
If we throw the politicians
Into the holy volcano of K’raxx’iss
We’ll either ensure a bountiful harvest
Or pay a lot less in taxes.
Filed under Poems
Share This With Anyone Who Disses Your Business Idea
Styrofoam peanuts
Plus some sugar and orange paint:
Still in business how?
Filed under Poems
Solving The Hunger Crisis One Innovation At A Time
In the future you’ll go to buy groceries
And the checkout robot will ask
To confirm that you are human
By completing a simple task:
Enter your username and password
And a random six-digit code
That was transmitted to your brain chip
From the authenticator node
Except your authenticator
Got a security update
That prevents your internal keyboard
From typing the number “8”
So you pause your grocery buying
And call the password reset guy
Which is just another robot
And you check “yes” to die.
Filed under Poems
Fashion Advice For Men
Nothing says “Stud” like
Wearing a Hawaiian shirt
With a sweater vest
The Daily Travesty 