She said, “I love your belly fat,
“Your slightly crooked nose,
“Your creepily short fingers
“And your eerily long toes.
“I love your balding forehead
“And your lazy eye as well.”
I said, “Thanks, but all that stuff
“Is nothing next to my smell.”
Category Archives: Poems
Compromises
Some say my standards are too low,
I’m selling myself short,
And that the only girls I like
Are the substandard sort.
At first I disagreed with them,
But soon I started to wonder…
No news yet, but I’ve got a date
With my neighbor’s pet snake, Thunder.
Filed under Poems
Mixed Messages (AKA The Power of Marketing)
I read a few websites today
And thought I’d share a list
Of just a few quotations
That I now know exist.
The following will not be rhymed
Because they’re exact quotes;
The twist shall be revealed in time
So no need to take notes:
“We fight for clarity and truth telling. We fight for a world that we want our children to live in.”
“We also promote an aggressive search for and use of non-polluting and clean energy sources such as solar, wind, and clean fossil fuels.”
“We respect the right of homeowners and that no one should ever be forced from their home for the non payment of taxes.”
“We support all U.S. veterans. We should find those that are missing and take care of those who have come home.”
“We affirm our humanity, our contributions to this society, and our resilience in the face of deadly oppression.”
“We declare freedom is humanity’s highest ideal, and no cost is too great to ensure liberty and justice.”
“We disrupted business as usual and impacted the world. Thank you to our organizers, our supporters, and our allies.”
“We have fought like hell for our freedom and we will continue to fight like hell. Because we deserve more than we have been given. Because we deserve the healing and the transformation and most importantly we deserve to be free.”
So who are these idealists
Who write impassioned pleas
With hope that everyone will know
The world their author sees?
Some are from “Black Lives Matter.”
The rest are from the KKK.
One of them I just made up,
So happy research day!
Filed under Poems
Who Else Watched The Debate?
“Roses are red!”
“No! Violets are blue!”
“That’s a lie!”
“Shut up!” “F*** you!”
Filed under Poems
Xfinitely Bad
If I lived under a rock,
Knew no news and bought no stock,
I’d find a slug to be my pet
And have much better internet.
Filed under Poems
Nothing Like A Token Effort To Bring People Together!
I’m sitting at home on a Monday
Drinking water straight from the tap
While I stare at some novels by time’s greatest minds
And then sit and write out this crap.
Then I picture you, my dear reader
With more money and power than me
Reading this crap on the internet
And I know, in a way, you’re like me.
Filed under Poems
What Did The Pot Call The Kettle Again?
Nothing like the NFL
To use their helmets to tell
That the one-percent lacks
Empathy for the blacks
And are violent towards them as well.
Filed under Poems
Prelude to Sporking, If Ya Know What I Mean…
I’m not the kind to boast too much
But I attract those of feminine form.
I now propose a toast to such
In the hope such becomes the new norm.
There’ve been times in my past when companions are sparse,
Even times when there haven’t been any
But if one commits some subtle financial farce
A billfold makes none into many.
Never before have I seen such excitement
Or felt less akin to a dunce
When they paid for my patented eating utensil
Which is fork and spoon both, but at once!
Thus is my secret to wooing the broads.
Whoever would even have thought
That inventing the spork would improve my odds
Of females considering me hot?
Filed under Poems
Short Story Long…
Yesterday, I swore
To put in the work,
In no effort fail
And in no duty shirk,
With hopes that what came
Would be “awesome and clever.”
I fulfill that promise
This evening. However…
I spent the afternoon
Teaching and gaming
Then followed that up
With some Pokemon taming.
Now with just 32
Minutes to go
‘Til what is today
Becomes what’s tomorrow
I write out this poem
With many a rhyme
So that reading it all
Will take you a long time,
The idea being
If you must work hard
You’ll think me more effortful
And, thus, a good bard.
And if you stopped reading
Before that confession,
Having been turned off
By your own first impression
Or else by the length
Of the stuff with no point
Then you, with the title
Of “dude,” I anoint.
Alas, as I wrap up
These meaningless stanzas,
The latest of many
Poem-stravaganzas
I shed but one tear
For the non-finishers who’d
Feel so happy knowing
I’d anointed them “dude.”
Filed under Poems
So… Status Quo Then?
Tomorrow it shall be
My sincerest endeavor
To compose some light verse
That’s both awesome and clever.
Tonight my endeavor’s
To not lose my clout
While I promise you good stuff
That’s yet to come out.
Filed under Poems
The Daily Travesty 